Infertility is like Cancer.

Infertility is like cancer. You can choose to fight or you can choose to give up but no matter what you choose the outcome may be the same. You may never beat it. It consumes your whole life and takes away parts of your soul that you cant get back. You can fight as hard as you can and do everything that every doctor even suggests that you try and still not beat it. You may be thinking that if you dont beat cancer you die and this is surely worse... what you may not have realized is that if you dont beat infertility that is like the death of your children, or at least the death of the dream to have children. In no uncertain terms it is the death of your family.

It is easy for people to understand how having cancer consumes your life but people dont seem to quite understand how infertility does the exact same thing. I am a human pincushion. Every day I take tons of medications that make me feel awful. Everyday I am in pain. Everyday I feel lost. Everyday I pray that the fight will end. Everyday I am wondering what else I can do, what else I can change. Everyday I cry because I am so scared that I wont win this fight.

When you have cancer it is so hard to see how your disease is affecting the people you love, what will they do without you, will they be ok? When you are infertile you cant help but think of all the ones you love, do they resent you, the gifts you are taking from your husband, the gift you are taking from your parents to be grandparents, will my husband be ok without kids, will I be ok without kids?

When you have cancer its so hard to watch everyone around you be healthy and live normal lives. When you are infertile it is so hard to watch everyone else have what you dream of and get it easily and even take it for granted.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I have cancer. I feel like I am fighting for my life. I dont want a life without children. I dont want a life where I am so depressed and devastated all the time. I dont want to be jealous of other people. I dont want to cry. But, this is the hand I was dealt, so I fight. I fight because I dont know what else to do. I fight because I feel like I was wronged. I fight because I dont know how to give up. I am fighting and I am broken.

(I in NO way mean to say that infertility is worse than cancer. I am trying to explain the way that infertility makes a person feel and affects their life is similar to that of a person with cancer.)

Up and Down

Right now I would call myself down. I keep having "bad IF days" over and over and over. Im not sure why but it has been really tough lately. I think it is probably for a number is reasons:
1. I am so scared for this FET
2. We are broke and have completely run out of options/ways to pay for IF treatments
3. Its scary to think that I dont know what will happen or when we will be able to cycle again if the FET doesnt work
4. How will I handle an unwanted break?
5. Are the frozen embryos chromosomally stronger than the ones we put back with our IVF?
6. Babies are everywhere and EVERYONE is having them except me (it seems like it anyways)
7. IF meds make me sad, mad, confused, TIRED and a mess
8. Doxy makes me puke and I am so tired of it!
9. Lupron makes me sooooo incredibly tired
10. Work has been really really bad lately

those are just a few.

Most heartbreaking moment of the week: Last night I looked over and saw JD holding Bella like a baby and talking to her and softly tickling her head and I thought what an amazing dad he would be and how much love he has to give and I may never be able to give it to him. Does he ever wish he was married to a girl who could give him a baby? Am I worth losing all of that?