The perfect day

I actually did the pee in a cup and dip method so that I could use more than one test without waiting hours and hours.

First I decided to use the FRER because they are supposed to be the most sensitive. We stood there staring at it and after a minute (or maybe more) I looked at DH and said "wheres the other line?!"

So i got mad and grabbed a CBE digital and dipped it. I waited while that hour glass flashed forever and this is what I saw:


I IMMEDIATELY started crying. I have never seen a positive HPT..... I am so excited and scared.

When I look at the FRER I can see a line but it is ever so light! Cant wait to get a beta tomorrow!!!!!

OMG, I think I might be PREGNANT! 

14dpIUI

And still no AF!!!!

The trigger should be gone now since it was half dose and they want me to go ahead and POAS later today since AF was due 2 days ago. AHH, I am so nervous. They said if it is a BFP then I will go for blood work tomorrow and the next 2 days and they will make sure it wasnt any remaining trigger! I am going to not pee all day at work and only have one diet coke and then POAS when I get home.

GOSH IM NERVOUS....

Uh oh...

I think I am pregnant and I am SO scared that I will get bad news on thursday :/ WHY DO I SET MYSELF UP FOR THIS!?!?!

Today is 13dpIUI

and no sign of AF yet. The last two cycles AF has shown up at 12dpIUI so yesterday was REALLY nerve racking for me.... I waited, and waited, and waited and she never showed up.

Last night we went downtown to an outdoors drunk-fest/concert for a friends birthday. I chose not to drink at all because of the timing and I was the driver. The longer we stood out there the more my pelvis got to feeling tight and my back was aching like crazy. I would have mugged someone for a chair! Justin and I ended up leaving at about 12:30 when I a big storm rolled in.

My body has convinced me that I'm pregnant but I am still scared that this will be like IUI#1 when Af never showed up and I had to take meds to start my period.... but that time my progesterone only came back at 1.2.

We will see........ Is it thursday yet?!?!

TMI WARNING

My body/brain is being mean to me!!! Yesterday I called my REs office to see if my medications would be changing for next cycle because I wanted to get everything priced out so that I would try and find the money. Well the other reason that I called and asked this was because I have totally and completely counted myself out of this cycle and was just waiting for the next one to being. Yesterday after work I got home and I was SO tired and when I thought about it I took a short nap on wednesday and I never nap. My boobs and been crazy sore for the entire 11 days so far. My lower abdomen was feeling really bloated and firm still. My appetite has been non-existent and I was supposed to go eat chinese food with Justin's family last night and the thought of chinese food made me gag. To top is off (TMI WARNING) I havent been able to poop in 3 days. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the WORST GI system and have some serious undiagnosed problem. I go and go and go..... never the opposite. Well for the first time ever yesterday I wished I could go to the bathroom. I also pee a lot more frequently, which can be caused by the progesterone injections. My body is totally acting pregnant. This thing is that most of these things have happened before but its usually because I am so convinced that my head just messes with me. So this time I am totally confused because I had total decided I was pregnant and had no hope left. So how?!?!

Today when my nurse called me back about the meds she kept saying "If you arent pregnant". Finally I said to her that I had counted myself out of this cycle due to my horrible progesterone results. I dont know if she was just trying to make me feel better but said that they considered stopping testing progesterone due to its variation and unreliability. She said that they just released two women to their OBs with heartbeats that had progesterones of 1.9 and 2.4.

So......... I am waiting. My period has been showing up at 12dpIUI the last two cycles. This means that if my period doesnt show up on saturday (or at least sunday) I am going to be convinced that I am pregnant. This means that I might be setting myself up to get really really upset but I cant help it. Damn you infertility.

After everything that I have been through emotionally today I made a few decisions.

1. I want to get a second opinion. I sometimes feel like I am getting "cookie cutter" treatment so I want to know what another RE would be doing or having in my treatment plan. I called RGI and I am going to set up a second opinion consult when the new patient coordinator calls me back. I am not sure that I will switch but I feel like its worth a shot. I just want to know that I am spending thousands of dollars every month correctly and most efficiently.

2. I am going to be much more careful about who my friends are. I think there are some friendships that need reevaluating. I regret sharing this journey with someone and wish that I could take it back. Its hard to find out that someone that you really thought cared about you doesnt. I wish I could confront the person but it just isnt worth it to me because I know how she really feels and you cant apologize for not caring. It is what it is and I am moving on, but I wont forget. Lesson learned.



Just breathe.

Hates the feeling when she finds out that someone she considered a good friend really isnt. Sometimes you never realize that you wish you never poured your heart out to them. If someone tells about about their battle with infertility it is because they need someone to talk to and they need support not for you to talk about it to other people, especially when you dont even talk to me about it. Infertility isnt an appropriate topic to discuss.... its personal, its painful, its private. If someone talks to you about it dont talk about it with anyone else.

At first I was thinking that maybe IF would affect my friendships and really didnt want it to. Instead it is teaching me that some of my friends really arent good friends at all. Why be there for someone who cant be there for you without talking about you behind your back?!

It didnt ring.

I had my 7dpIUI progesterone level drawn yesterday. They want to see it over 15, but over 20 is preferable. Anything under 5 means that its questionable whether you even ovulated. Anything over 5 and under 15 is considered a "weak ovulation" with the possibility of bad quality eggs.

I was VERY worried about these results. My RE told me that this would be the best ovulation of my life. Over the past 7 days I am overanalyzed every feeling and thing that my body did. My boobs have been INCREDIBLY sore.... like painful to not wear a bra! I even slept in a bra last night. I have had cramping and pressure in my lower abdomen. I have been bloated which I know is from the stims but i had a "tightness" to touch that made me wonder if something was going on in there. I had basically convinced myself that this was it. I was so sure. I dont know how to explain how I went from being completely hopeless to feeling like it was happening. I was so happy.

Last night I must have been worrying about my results because I had a VIVID dream last night. I dreamt that I got the call and my progesterone was 240 (which would be CRAZY high) and that all of the sudden I had quads. I went from getting the call to havig 4 babies right there with Justin and I. I woke up at 7:44 and wish that I never did.

At 8:32 my phone rang. My REs nurse informed me that my progesterone came back at 3.9. Could it be any worse?!?! She said not to give up hope because crazier things have happened. But this means that she is hoping for a miracle because my odds are horrible. Then she said "call us when your period starts so we can get you in for a cd 1,2, or 3 ultrasound." Any hope shot.

Immediately I am devastated. I screamed, I cried, I pleaded for my phone to ring again and have her say they confused the results. It didnt ring.

Booster Injection

Blood is drawn and its time to shoot up one last time for this cycle. The Ovidrel is supposed to raise my progesterone level so that it is high enough to sustain a pregnancy because mine is always low. Ovidrel do your job!!!!

Stress

Why is my life here so stressful?! Some days I just wanna pack up and move. I wish I could go somewhere with no stress, no work, no drama, no worries. Is there a place like that? I have an overwhelming pit on anxiety in my chest that literally hurts. I havent felt this in a while and its almost debilitating. I hate being anxious..... it is the WORST feeling. I know its because its imminent that I will get blamed for something by someone soon. Things are always my fault. I really just wanna quit trying, why try when you never win... right? Work may give me a heart attack tomorrow.... I have to be followed by my supervisor and while I dont do anything wrong so it doesnt matter it still makes me nervous. I HATE performing/presenting for people. UGH!