Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Fix You

I am not sure if you have heard the song "fix you" by coldplay but if you have then I think you will understand what I am about to say.

I know that everyone has different obstacles to overcome in their lives and that sometimes there are "those songs" that can mean something different to each person that listens to it. Well this is one of those songs for me. I remember the first time that I heard this song. I was in my car and I almost couldnt drive I was crying so hard. The words of this song reached out to me and my (at that point) failing journey through infertility. These words specifically:

"When you try your best, but you dont succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you cant sleep
Stuck in reverse

and tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something that you cannot replace
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
and I will try to fix you"

When I was painting the last coat of blue in the nursery closet this song came on and I had to stop painting and just listen. The words were the same but they meant something different. I felt like this song was uplifting instead of painful true and sad. I remember being there, I remember feeling lost, I remember how much it hurt to be where I was before..... but now I feel like I see the lights that will guide me home. I didnt even know where to look for those lights before.

Like I have said before, infertility changed me. I cant change back. I will NEVER forget what we went through. It still hurts but I feel so blessed to be where I am now. I am SO unbelievably thankful to have Foster growing inside of me. I wouldnt change this for the world. To be honest I wouldnt change how I got here either. I dont wish the pain that we felt on anyone, not even my worst enemy, but because of all that pain we are different people who will appreciate our miracle baby so much more than the average person. Foster will never question how much he is loved, I know this for certain. I marvel at his ultrasound pictures because he is truly a miracle.

Last night when I was watching One Born Every Minute there was a surrogate mother giving birth to a baby for a couple that had battled infertility and didnt come out on top like we have so far. I cried so hard at this storyline on the show, not because it was sad but because Justin and I had that conversation. We actually thought that was something that we might end up having to pursue. It took me back to that place and it was hard. The surrogate on the show was such a compassionate and caring woman. Her interviews were so heartfelt and it was so interesting to hear from her point of view. She said the no couple comes to surrogacy without a heavy heart that has felt such an immense amount of pain. Noone wakes up one day and thinks "Gee, I think we should have a baby by a surrogate". She was so understanding of the gift of a child and said that she treasures her own children so much that she wants everyone to know that feeling. It made me think how amazing it would be to be a surrogate and give that gift to couples who cant have it any other way.

If you made it this far then thanks for reading my whole long pregnant/emotional/horomonal post =)


  1. Your post is beautiful and very thoughtful, Lindsey. I agree that infertility changes us forever, and that all of us will always be bound together, even when we do become pregnant and have babies. You never forget what it feels like to be infertile. You will always know just what a miracle a baby truly is.

  2. From someone that's still on their failing journey, it's nice to know that happy endings do happen. I've always thought that we'll appreciate our miracle baby more so than a couple who got pregnant easily, or accidentally. I'm glad to know that will still hold true *when* we finally get our BFP.