Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Just now?

I need to start getting back to writing daily and not writing about the past few days a few days late. Im gonna work on that!

Yesterday the nurse from RGI called and said that they would go over my blood work results but that there was something that she needed to address right them. She said that while I have low blood sugar and I am not even pre-diabetic that my IR (insulin resistance) came back and showed that I need to start taking metformin to control my PCOS. IR is one of the most common symptoms of PCOS.

I have MANY patients that take metformin for their type 2 diabetes and I have seen many of them crash due to low blood sugar. Being that I have low blood sugar anyways I was kind of resistant to this idea and was actually worried how it might effect me. They said that since this med makes most people very sick when they start taking it that they want me to ease my way into my dose. They want me to take 500mg at night for one week, then start taking 500mg in the morning and 500mg at night for a week, then the next week take 500mg in the morning and 1000mg at night for a week, and then finally take 1000mg in the morning and 1000mg at night. Sounds like a hefty amount to me.

Apparently the metformin is supposed to aid in ovulation, improve egg quality and has other benefits too. So, HERE GOES NOTHING!

I picked up the prescription and then came home to find out how starting the med wasfor some of the other girls who take it. 95% of them said that it was awful and they felt horribly sick for months when they started taking it. They said they had extreme nausea, exhaustion, food aversions, and basically just felt totally "off". Hopefully my experience wont be so bad.

My main question is why did my other RE not test this?! It is the most common issue associated with PCOS and he never felt like he should check it?!?!?! WTF?! I cannot possibly tell you how happy I am that I switched REs. THANK YOU LORD!

Monday, June 21, 2010


Welcome! Whether you are a returner or a new reader I want to say welcome! This has been a rough month and here a summed up recap. I had IUI#4 which was my first fully injectable cycle. It was a rough one... ended up on 225IU gonal f daily and finally got a good e2 response after 14 days of stims. We triggered and had to drive home from out of town at 4am to make it to the IUI. I had crazy symptoms and cramps throughout the 2ww and finally got a BFP at 14dpIUI (had to wait for a trigger booster I took at 7dpIUI to leave system). I had a beta the following day and it was negative. I was DEVASTATED. It was the first BFP I had ever seen. I saw a new RE on CD1 and was REALLY ready to go and move on only to find that I had 6 huge cysts and got cancelled for IUI#5. So here I am on BCP and trying to maintain my sanity! WELCOME!

Enjoy =)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

Today was actually harder for me than mother's day was. All that I could think was "I wish I could make my husband a father." Someday I hope that I can but for now all I can say is that I am trying. I have been on the birth control pills for 5 days now, it is SO weird to take birth control pills while I am trying to get pregnant (well not this month!). I dont know if it is the pills or not but OMG the headaches I have had since the day that I started them. I cant even remember what the side effects of BCP are anymore?! Haha, its been that long. My cysts havent been hurting quite as much yesterday and today as they had been. Its the weirdest feeling and its actually frightening to think of them popping/exploding.

Justin is gone tonight staying at the hospital getting a sleep study done to check and see if he has sleep apnea, so here I am alone on the couch RELAXING after a busy weekend.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My Roller-Coaster of a Life.

I had my consult with my new RE this morning to see if I wanted to switch REs or not!

First when I walked in it was GORGEOUS. It looks like they had an awesome interior designer decorate it. There are couches and fancy chairs and chandeliers. It was REALLY nice, and obviously its new. The receptionists were really friendly and welcoming.

Then they took me back to Dr. James's office.... I could tell that it wasnt really her office but more her "consultation room" because it was fancy and there was nothing but a lamp, picture, and statue on the little desk and a couch and fancy chair. (I was OBSESSED with the demask wallpaper in there) We waited a long time but they told me that she was a little behind today and that normally that is not the case and she is right on schedule.

Dr. Summer James was REALLY REALLY nice and she was young so I felt that she didnt have "set ways". I feel like Dr.W (while I really like him) thinks well "this is what I do for this" and its kinda cookie cutter. She wasnt like that at all. She asked me a lot of questions and I think from today she knows more about me than Dr.W does and I have been seeing him since january. She looked at everything that I told her and she kinda went over her philosophies and how she generally likes to go about treatment. She said that she wasnt sure if I had PCOS or androhypothalamic amenorrhea (spelling?). She thinks its odd that i have never had fasting blood work done, never had my insulin resistance checked, never had ovarian reserve checked and haven't had my androgen levels checked since last august at the beginning of all of this (I agree). She wanted to look into my blood work more and see if she can really pinpoint what the issue is. She also thinks that I should be on progesterone supps or something like that because oh my ow progesterone levels (which I have mentioned to dr.w and the nurses many times and they say no besides the booster that didnt work. I even asked mac about it this morning). So she went through a bunch of stuff and since I have LITERALLY everything written down she was able to get a really good picture from me.... I write down all my follie sizes and everything at every check (overkill I know.... its the nurse in me). She asked if we could do an u/s so she could look at my uterine cavity, look at my ovary size and shape and see if anything jumps out at her.So I asked her if I could start cycling with her this cycle since today was CD1. She said yes and that she was comfortable doing that because of all the good info I had for her. So we went to do the ultrasound. They have the BRAND NEW really like ultrasound machines!!!!! And the exam rooms were really nice too.

She immediately asked me if I have been in pain and I told her about the cramps for the past 2 weeks and how bad they have been getting and about last night. She said that I had 5 really big cysts on my right ovary and one big one on my left ovary. She told me that there is NO WAY I can progress with this cycle. I have to take BCP for a month and try and shrink them. She also said that I cannot work out or jump or bounce or run because she is worried by the size and number of cysts on my right ovary will make it twist and cut off blood supply which would obviously kill the ovary and it would have to be removed. So, I guess Im taking it easy.

She said that she is interested in doing a lap but she wants to get a good ovulation or two with BFNs before we really need to do it because I really havent had a good chance to get pregnant yet. They also like to do back-to-back IUIs but I dont think that we can afford it.

So tomorrow morning I am going to have blood drawn at the office, I have to fast, and they are going to check a BUNCH of things. I picked up BCP and I am going to go in on CD1 after the BCP for a baseline and we will go from there.

Overall, I really really liked it.

However, I am so incredibly upset that I cannot cycle right now. After the last two days I was just so ready to start this cycle and move on. Its like one slap in the face after another. Welcome to my roller-coaster of a life.

Hello AF.

I woke up this morning running for the bathroom to throw up. After a nice morning puke I realized that AF had arrive. Welcome back you late bitch. Go to hell. HAHA! Now off to see the new RE I am getting a second opinion from.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I have been having HORRIBLE pain that doesnt feel like AF cramps for about a week now but they got so much worse tonight and I am almost worried. Ive never had pain like this before! I will call Dr.W's office in the morning.

Beta Day

The nurse called at 7:35 this morning and told me that they wanted me to get a beta (blood HCG test) and a progesterone level because mine was so low at 7dpIUI. They also said that I needed to have it done before 9. I jumped out of bed and off I went. I went to the REs infuse and picked up the lab forms and headed to the lab to have my blood drawn. I was out of there and in my car by 8:50. This was going to be a long day of waiting.

At 9:30 my alarm went off to get up for the day....... Guess I didn't get to sleep in after all. I went and started seeing my patients early so that I could be done in time to get my call with my lab results and not have to work afterwards. I sped through my day and went immediately home.

I sat and thought and thought and thought. Finally, at 2:40pm my phone rang. I answered and I can barely remember the conversation. It went something like this "Lindsey, your beta was negative..... We don't know how you got a positive pregnancy test hunnie. Only 0.4 percent of people get a false positive and you musts have fallen in that population. Also, your progesterone was only 0.9."

What?! How?!?! Oh my god its over. There aren't words to describe the rush of emotions that flooded over me. I'm sure the neighbors could hear me...... I was crying so hard that I was screaming. They must have thought someone died when really it was just a piece of me that had died. I was so angry, so confused, so overwhelmed and so lost.

Last night, the happiest night of my life, Justin and I laid in bed and talked about our baby until we fell asleep. I never thought we would get to do that and we may never get to do it again. I will never forget the things that we said.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The perfect day

I actually did the pee in a cup and dip method so that I could use more than one test without waiting hours and hours.

First I decided to use the FRER because they are supposed to be the most sensitive. We stood there staring at it and after a minute (or maybe more) I looked at DH and said "wheres the other line?!"

So i got mad and grabbed a CBE digital and dipped it. I waited while that hour glass flashed forever and this is what I saw:

I IMMEDIATELY started crying. I have never seen a positive HPT..... I am so excited and scared.

When I look at the FRER I can see a line but it is ever so light! Cant wait to get a beta tomorrow!!!!!

OMG, I think I might be PREGNANT! 


And still no AF!!!!

The trigger should be gone now since it was half dose and they want me to go ahead and POAS later today since AF was due 2 days ago. AHH, I am so nervous. They said if it is a BFP then I will go for blood work tomorrow and the next 2 days and they will make sure it wasnt any remaining trigger! I am going to not pee all day at work and only have one diet coke and then POAS when I get home.


Sunday, June 13, 2010

Uh oh...

I think I am pregnant and I am SO scared that I will get bad news on thursday :/ WHY DO I SET MYSELF UP FOR THIS!?!?!

Today is 13dpIUI

and no sign of AF yet. The last two cycles AF has shown up at 12dpIUI so yesterday was REALLY nerve racking for me.... I waited, and waited, and waited and she never showed up.

Last night we went downtown to an outdoors drunk-fest/concert for a friends birthday. I chose not to drink at all because of the timing and I was the driver. The longer we stood out there the more my pelvis got to feeling tight and my back was aching like crazy. I would have mugged someone for a chair! Justin and I ended up leaving at about 12:30 when I a big storm rolled in.

My body has convinced me that I'm pregnant but I am still scared that this will be like IUI#1 when Af never showed up and I had to take meds to start my period.... but that time my progesterone only came back at 1.2.

We will see........ Is it thursday yet?!?!

Friday, June 11, 2010


My body/brain is being mean to me!!! Yesterday I called my REs office to see if my medications would be changing for next cycle because I wanted to get everything priced out so that I would try and find the money. Well the other reason that I called and asked this was because I have totally and completely counted myself out of this cycle and was just waiting for the next one to being. Yesterday after work I got home and I was SO tired and when I thought about it I took a short nap on wednesday and I never nap. My boobs and been crazy sore for the entire 11 days so far. My lower abdomen was feeling really bloated and firm still. My appetite has been non-existent and I was supposed to go eat chinese food with Justin's family last night and the thought of chinese food made me gag. To top is off (TMI WARNING) I havent been able to poop in 3 days. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the WORST GI system and have some serious undiagnosed problem. I go and go and go..... never the opposite. Well for the first time ever yesterday I wished I could go to the bathroom. I also pee a lot more frequently, which can be caused by the progesterone injections. My body is totally acting pregnant. This thing is that most of these things have happened before but its usually because I am so convinced that my head just messes with me. So this time I am totally confused because I had total decided I was pregnant and had no hope left. So how?!?!

Today when my nurse called me back about the meds she kept saying "If you arent pregnant". Finally I said to her that I had counted myself out of this cycle due to my horrible progesterone results. I dont know if she was just trying to make me feel better but said that they considered stopping testing progesterone due to its variation and unreliability. She said that they just released two women to their OBs with heartbeats that had progesterones of 1.9 and 2.4.

So......... I am waiting. My period has been showing up at 12dpIUI the last two cycles. This means that if my period doesnt show up on saturday (or at least sunday) I am going to be convinced that I am pregnant. This means that I might be setting myself up to get really really upset but I cant help it. Damn you infertility.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

After everything that I have been through emotionally today I made a few decisions.

1. I want to get a second opinion. I sometimes feel like I am getting "cookie cutter" treatment so I want to know what another RE would be doing or having in my treatment plan. I called RGI and I am going to set up a second opinion consult when the new patient coordinator calls me back. I am not sure that I will switch but I feel like its worth a shot. I just want to know that I am spending thousands of dollars every month correctly and most efficiently.

2. I am going to be much more careful about who my friends are. I think there are some friendships that need reevaluating. I regret sharing this journey with someone and wish that I could take it back. Its hard to find out that someone that you really thought cared about you doesnt. I wish I could confront the person but it just isnt worth it to me because I know how she really feels and you cant apologize for not caring. It is what it is and I am moving on, but I wont forget. Lesson learned.

Just breathe.
Hates the feeling when she finds out that someone she considered a good friend really isnt. Sometimes you never realize that you wish you never poured your heart out to them. If someone tells about about their battle with infertility it is because they need someone to talk to and they need support not for you to talk about it to other people, especially when you dont even talk to me about it. Infertility isnt an appropriate topic to discuss.... its personal, its painful, its private. If someone talks to you about it dont talk about it with anyone else.

At first I was thinking that maybe IF would affect my friendships and really didnt want it to. Instead it is teaching me that some of my friends really arent good friends at all. Why be there for someone who cant be there for you without talking about you behind your back?!

It didnt ring.

I had my 7dpIUI progesterone level drawn yesterday. They want to see it over 15, but over 20 is preferable. Anything under 5 means that its questionable whether you even ovulated. Anything over 5 and under 15 is considered a "weak ovulation" with the possibility of bad quality eggs.

I was VERY worried about these results. My RE told me that this would be the best ovulation of my life. Over the past 7 days I am overanalyzed every feeling and thing that my body did. My boobs have been INCREDIBLY sore.... like painful to not wear a bra! I even slept in a bra last night. I have had cramping and pressure in my lower abdomen. I have been bloated which I know is from the stims but i had a "tightness" to touch that made me wonder if something was going on in there. I had basically convinced myself that this was it. I was so sure. I dont know how to explain how I went from being completely hopeless to feeling like it was happening. I was so happy.

Last night I must have been worrying about my results because I had a VIVID dream last night. I dreamt that I got the call and my progesterone was 240 (which would be CRAZY high) and that all of the sudden I had quads. I went from getting the call to havig 4 babies right there with Justin and I. I woke up at 7:44 and wish that I never did.

At 8:32 my phone rang. My REs nurse informed me that my progesterone came back at 3.9. Could it be any worse?!?! She said not to give up hope because crazier things have happened. But this means that she is hoping for a miracle because my odds are horrible. Then she said "call us when your period starts so we can get you in for a cd 1,2, or 3 ultrasound." Any hope shot.

Immediately I am devastated. I screamed, I cried, I pleaded for my phone to ring again and have her say they confused the results. It didnt ring.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Booster Injection

Blood is drawn and its time to shoot up one last time for this cycle. The Ovidrel is supposed to raise my progesterone level so that it is high enough to sustain a pregnancy because mine is always low. Ovidrel do your job!!!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Why is my life here so stressful?! Some days I just wanna pack up and move. I wish I could go somewhere with no stress, no work, no drama, no worries. Is there a place like that? I have an overwhelming pit on anxiety in my chest that literally hurts. I havent felt this in a while and its almost debilitating. I hate being anxious..... it is the WORST feeling. I know its because its imminent that I will get blamed for something by someone soon. Things are always my fault. I really just wanna quit trying, why try when you never win... right? Work may give me a heart attack tomorrow.... I have to be followed by my supervisor and while I dont do anything wrong so it doesnt matter it still makes me nervous. I HATE performing/presenting for people. UGH!