Thursday, September 30, 2010

Weekly Blog Roll

I recently joined a weekly blog roll which highlights infertility (IVF, IUI, PCOS, Adoption, etc.) and this is my weekly entry =) The participants blogs are being used and linked to a pain blog page to educate on infertility. What a cool experience to be a part of!\

Ok....1st Topic of the Day

What triggered you to start blogging? I started blogging because I felt like I was going to need to look back on my infertility journey someday. I felt like I had lots of things that needed saying but I wasnt able to say them to anyone, not that I had noone to share with but some things are just too hard to say out loud.

Did you already have a blog? Before my IF journey- no.

Are you normally someone who writes down your feelings? No, when I was younger I used to keep journals but I havent in years.

Has having your blog helped in any way dealing with IF? It helps me to put into words what I cant say out loud to people.

Do you share it with IRL friends? A select special few =)

Beta was yesterday

Negative. FUCK.MY.LIFE.

I feel so broken. Why cant I be a mom? Why cant I give my husband a baby? Why cant my body work like everyone elses.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Its Fall in the Daniel House!

Picture Post!!!!
The shelves in our great room:

Close Ups:

TV Hutch:

More decorations:

Fall looks so good in my red entry hallway!

My FAVORITE wreath (halloween of course!)

My new mums:

My pumpkin birdhouse =)

and my cute ghost that my MIL got me and I put in my plant!

Oh, how I LOVE fall!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Bringing home our "embabies"!!!

Monday night I became so anxious and ready for my ET I could barely stand it. I was nervous to hear how our embyos were doing in their petri dishes up in Akron. Its so weird to think that your babies are growing in dishes in incubator up in a lab 2 hours away from where you are. Its weird to wonder how they are doing, how many survive each day and keep growing, what quality they are. Its all very surreal.

Starting on monday morning the front of my hip and groin region on my left side was hurting. That afternoon I asked Justin to look really close and see if he saw anything (bruise etc.) and there was nothing. When I got read for bed I looked and there was a bloody bruise and the whole area was a long raised lump and it was extremely painful. I freaked out a little bit and wondered if I should call the emergency on-call doctor but decided to wait until morning. I couldnt even sleep on my left side that night because it hurt so bad.

I didnt sleep well at all, party because of this lump and partly because I was so excited to transfer. I had to get up at 6:45am to get in the shower and be leaving the house to go to acupuncture. I cannot tell you how much I have come to love acupuncture. It is so relaxing and centering. Justin drove me down to my appointment and came in to see what this was all about while Hannah put the points in.

After acupuncture we were off for Akron. Its a 2 hour drive and it feels so long when you are going there for something so important. I had my bag packed; penguin pillow pet, IVF folder, lucky penguin socks, lucky necklace on, my valium, and other things I needed for superstitious reasons. We were off to get bring out embabies home. At 11am I took my Valium and drank 32 ounces of fluids as ordered.

Upon arriving at RGI I asked if I could see the IVF nurse before out appointment because I had some questions, in reality I wanted to ask her about this lump and bruise! She took me back and I showed it to her and she was as stumped as I was. She went and asked the doctor who did my retrieval last week if maybe he had to apply crazy amounts of pressure to that side because of lefty being a pain but he said that he did not. He wanted to see me. So I went in an exam room and he checked it out. He seemed to think it was thir spaced fluid but that the bruise didnt really fit into that scenario so he said to keep a close eye on it and that we had much better things to worry about today, OUR TRANSFER!

They took us to a small conference room where we waited for the embryologist. I was SO excited to hear from him how our embryos had been doing. He brought us pictures (yay!) and told us all about them. First he told us about the "12th one" that didt fertilize normally. He showed us that one of the big cells in it had 3 nuclei which made it abnormal. On the same sheet there were two other embryos that had stopped developing at some point and were not viable. Here is that sheet:

( The 3 nucleus embryo is on the top right and the other two are the ones that quit growing.)
Then he showed us the first embryo that we were going to be transferring. He said that it is a 4AA. AA being the best quality and 4 meaning that it had begun to hatch (a good thing). Without further ado here is embaby #1:

Then he showed us the second embryo that we were going to be transferring. This one is a 3AA. Again, the best quality but the 3 means that it has not begun to hatch yet but the zona polsa (the "shell" around the outside) was nice and thin. Here is #2:

Here is the whole "good" page: (I will explain each one below)

Top Row (left to right): Embryo we got to freeze, another embryo we got to freeze that was a 3AA, one that stopped growing and didnt make it (notice the VERY thick zona polusa).
Middle Row (left to right): An embryo that stopped progressing also and didnt make it, another embryo that they froze, and another embryo that they froze.
Bottom Row (left to right): Embaby #1, one that they froze, Embaby #2!
So, all in all we were transferring 2 and freezing 5 embryos.

Now it was time to go get prepped. They had Justin get in an awesome "Michelin Man" suit, shoe covers, head hairnet thing, etc.

I had to get in a hospital gown, hairnet, and my lucky socks! (please excuse me looking huge... you can see how bloated my abdomen is in this pic)

Then it was off to the OR. When I got in there we did a trial transfer since this was not my normal doctor doing the transfer and they want to make the actual transfer go as smoothly as possible. Then we got to watch on a tv as the embryologist when back into the embryo lab to get our embabies!!!! They showed our name on the dishes, then they showed him move the embryos around, then he picked them up in a catheter and moved them in and out of it so that we could see both of them were in there, then he sucked them up one last time and came into the OR. He asked me my name and social security number then showed me the catheter. Now it was time to transfer!!!!! The embryologist actually held the external ultrasound on me while the doctor inserted the catheter and once they had it perfectly placed they put our embabies back where they belong <3
Here is a picture of my uterus on the ultrasound. The large black area at the top is my full bladder that they required me to have. Below that is my uterus and where you see the bright white spots is the fluid that they embryos was in right at the top on my uterus. Wont that be fun for the baby book? haha

They then transferred me to a gurney and wheeled me to the recovery room. I had to lay there for 30 minutes before I was allowed to get up.
and here are my lucky socks:

The proud embabies' parents:

After laying there for 30 minutes they told me I could get up and go to the bathroom and get dressed. They then wheeled me out to the car in a wheelchair, all the way to the car door. I laid the car seat all the way back we we carefully drove home. Now its 3 days of strict bedrest for me.

Dear embabies, please please please be my sticky babies and stay in there for the next 9 months. Love, your mother.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Oops, forgot to post this update!

Overview of my call from the embryologist on friday:
Of the 11 that had fertilized normally that they told us about on thursday:
1- is "ugly" hahaha.... he said its not growing correctly.
The other 10 are all at 4 cell or higher!!! They said we have to have at least 4 at this stage or higher to wait and do a 6dt and there are 10! Of those 10 embryos 8 are grade 1 (the best you can have) and 2 are grade 2(still good).

The transfer is going to be on tuesday.


Saturday, September 18, 2010

May 2nd 2009

Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding

My wedding day was beautiful. I was surrounded by people that I love celebrating the love that Justin and I found in each other. When I look back on my wedding day there really isnt anything that I would change other than making the day longer!

May 1st, for our rehearsal dinner it POURED down rain. My mother-in-law did a wonderful job planning the rehearsal dinner and it was so much fun!

Our wedding day was the most beautiful day someone could ask for for their wedding. The weather was perfect.

My bouquet was one of my favorite parts:

Our wedding party was packed full of our closest friends!

I married the man of my dreams:

and all the details were beautiful!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)

What better art can there be than a sculpture of Joe Paterno?! None, if you ask me.

Not what we expected

Our fert report was not what we expected, to say the least. On wednesday they retrieved 24 eggs at our ER. We were through the roof excited. They said that most of them would be mature and that they would call us with our fert report thursday.

4pm rolled around I had been glued to my phone all day but no fert report had surfaced. I decided that I was going to call them because there was NO way that I was going to miss them and not get my fert report will friday. When I was finally on the phone with the embryologist he told me what I didnt want to hear. Of the 24 eggs they retrieved only 12 were mature. EXCUSE ME, WHAT?!?!?!?! He said that this was rare to see to many immature ones..... figures. Then he told me that they did ICSI to the 12 mature ones and 11 fertilized.

Bottom line- we didnt get to freeze any at the zygote stage today because they have to have at least 12 to do that. So we are disappointed and feeling crappy about this. One of the most important things about this cycle was that we got lots of frozen embryos so that we could do frozen cycles (FETs) if this fresh cycle didnt work. We cannot afford another fresh cycle so this was do or die and well..... it looks like we died.

Now they are going to watch these and call me today to tell me whether we are having a 3day transfer (tomorrow) or a 6day transfer (tues). PLEASE let us make it to tuesday.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)


I am so anxious to get my fert report today! I dont know how I am going to sit here all day and wait for the phone to ring. It is so weird to think that we have babies growing in petri dishes up in Akron. Our little babies are so far away.

Today is Amie's FET up in Akron and luckily I am thinking about her enough that its helping me not think about fert report too much. I just know this FET is it for her and I CANT WAIT!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

ER (Retrieval)

I woke up this morning and all that I could think about was "Is it time yet?". Justin was on a conference call for work all morning at the hotel so I couldnt make any noise of watch tv. So, I spent the whole morning emailing Amie and texting with friends. I then showered because I knew a whole crowd of strangers were going to be admiring my ladies parts and insides today so I felt it should be as nice as possible down there.

Before leaving the hotel I had to draw up a PIO (progesterone in oil) injection to take with me and have them give it to me while i was still under anesthesia.

We then left at 11:30 to go drive to the hospital/office. Upon arriving we realized that the office is in an office complex attached to the hospital which is comforting to know. We went upstairs and I was anxious to see what this office is like because our Columbus office is SO NICE. It looks like a country club in my office. This one was nice too but a bit tacky if you ask me. There was a large feather arrangement above the receptionist area that looked like a drag queen outfit.

The anesthesiologist came out and got me. They had me sign some release forms and then change into a hospital gown and wait for the nurse to come back. I put on my lucky socks just in time for surgery!

Then they took me across the hall to the OR and Justin had to go out to waiting room. He gave me a quick kiss and off I went. When I walked into the OR I realized the table looked like a torture machine! Instead of having stirrups for your feet it had giant boots that they strap your legs into, and they were very intimidating looking. I talked with the nurse anesthetist and the OR nurse for a bit then the embryologist, Keith, came in and said hello and told me what was gonna happen with my eggs! After he left we waited for Dr.Nash to come in. Dr.Nash is a partner of Dr.James and he is the one that was Akron to do retrievals that day. After that I got strapped in the boots and I was OUT from there. They gave me propofol, versed, fentanyl, zofran, and another nausea med. I woke up in recovery with my husband walking back in to see me. I was so happy to see him.

Here I am drugged up and looking like hell:

After some waiting the embryologist came in and told me that we got 24 eggs!!!!! Yay! This made us so very happy. He then told us that tomorrow we would get a phone call letting us know how many of those 24 were mature and how many fertilized normally because they would be performing the ICSI to fertilize them today. Also, he said that if we have more than 12 that fertilize normally they will immediately take half of them and freeze them at the zygote stage tomorrow. Then we will watch the rest and whatever we dont transfer back into me we will freeze, if they are good quality.

We drove home and now we are home, I am in a decent amount of pain and cant really walk but I am happy. Time for movies and couch time. Also, our friends sarah and toby are coming over to order take out and watch a movie tonight. I am so thankful for good friends =)

Day 15 - your dream house

Justin and I have a dream house that we pass when driving to our house and we always say "We just passed OUR house".... we pretend that its ours. I am going to have to take a picture of it and put it on here with this post!!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Its all happening

I went to the Dr on monday morning and my follies looked great, she measured tons! Here they are:

They also told me that I would be triggering that night. The nurse drew sharpie boxes on my butt/back to show justin where to give me my daily injections of progesterone and this trigger shot. Arent these snazzy?

They called me this afternoon and told me that we would need to do the trigger injection at 1:30am. They also told me that my e2 was 5068. This is bad... its wayyyyy too high and OHSS is a serious concern now. We set alarms and woke up and justin have me my trigger shot and I was so proud of him, he did a great job!

This morning I had to go back in for another monitoring appointment just to make sure that I had not already ovulated and to draw more blood. Dr.J told me today that severe OHSS is a real possibility for me and that I may get seriously sick before transfer and have to cancel it and freeze all the embryos. I really really hope that this doesnt happen but for now I am not going to think about it. I dont know what my e2 was today but I will ask tomorrow.

Tonight we packed up the car and drove to akron. RGI booked us a hotel room so that we would be up here and ready for our ER in the morning. So here we are at the Hampton Inn and I am ready for bed because I FELT AWFUL TODAY. I came home from work early and didnt move from the couch.

ER tomorrow at 12:30, we have to be there at noon. AHHHH!

Day 14 - a non-fictional book

I read this book about a year and a half ago when I thought we were pregnant. It made me laugh, cry and almost pee my pants it was so funny! I recommend it to ANYONE!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Day 13 - a fictional book

HARRY POTTER! I love all 7 of them!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Lots of monitoring appts in one post =)

On friday I went in for another monitoring appt. Good morning stirrups:

Here is my friend/foe that hurts me but helps me

I have LOTS of good follicles growing!
The Right:
The left was again hard for us to see so we just measured a few when we could kinda see mean old lefty:

TMI warning: here is an ultrasound picture of my uterus when Dr.J was measuring lining.

They also drew blood when I was there. I got a call later on friday saying the my e2 (estrogen) was getting pretty high and they needed to decrease the amount of follistim that I inject twice a day to 125IUs in the morning and then 100IUs in the evening. They said that my e2 was just over 1300. They said that they wanted me to come back on sunday morning for another appt.

This morning when I went my follies were looking great. Justin thought that my ovaries look like turtle shells on the ultrasound. Here is righty:
Dr.J said that she wanted to print and give me a picture of Lefty for my fridge because it may be the only time we see it well! hahaha. I LOVE Dr.J, she is awesome. The nurse came in to draw my blood because on sundays the lab room isnt open and the nurses draw the labs. She tells me that she has been scared since friday when she saw that she was going to have to draw my blood because I have such bad veins. I ended up letting her draw blood form the back of my arm and we just laughed because she said noone else would let her do that but that I was just too funny. I really like Rebecca.

This afternoon Dr.J called me (yes, she herself called me). She said that my e2 was all the way up to just over 3000, this is very high. She liked to see the e2 at 3000 or just under at retrieval. She said normally at that level she would have me trigger but that she really thought my follies needed another day soooo we SIGNIFICANTLY decreased my follistim dose to 50IU tonight and 75 tomorrow morning and I am going in to see her at 9am. She said that we will be triggering tomorrow night!!!! This means my ER (surgery) will be on wednesday!!!!!! OMG, I CANT BELIEVE ITS HERE!

She also said that I am now at a VERY high risk of developing OHSS, which sucks. It causes you to be very sick and you get third spacing of fluid in your abdomen and gain weight incredibly fast. Some people gain 4 to 10lbs a day!!!! You look incredibly pregnant when you have OHSS and everyone says its awful. You can also have that fluid build up in your lungs making it hard to breathe. Sometimes you have to be hospitalized and if fluid builds up in the abdomen (most common place) they have to drain it by sticking a huge needle thru your stomach over and over and over. PLEASE DONT LET THIS HAPPEN. Im scared but excited at the same time.

I will update tomorrow!