FET Update and some cooking!!!

I had my baseline ultrasound last friday for my FET cycle that has been going on FOREVER. My ovaries were quiet and I was ready to go!!! Saturday I started estrace supps and vivelle patches. All in all this means I am being loaded up with TONS of estrogen. Let me tell you something about estrogen... it makes you TIRED. I feel like I just ran a marathon and it takes soooo much effort to just get up off of my ass. Again this makes me wonder how its even possible for people to get pregnant the old fashioned way, then I remember how there are 10 pregnant girls on my street of 12 houses and I know its just me that sucks.

Vivelle patches get applied every other day and I put 4 on each time. I cannot put a patch where an old one was for a week! This means that I have to strategically place them because I will be running out of real estate quickly.



Today I went to my neighbor's funeral and burial and it was really tough. He was such a great guy and he will be missed. I worked a little bit after all those events then I came home and decided to do some therapeutic cooking. I love this food blog, The Girl Who Ate Everything, and I wanted to tackle her Taco Filled Braid Bread. So here is what I did:








It was wonderful and Justin loved it!!!

AF arrived

This morning when I woke up I felt crampy and just yucky. I thought to myself that it seemed like my period was coming but I didnt think I was supposed to have a period. Well (of course) an hour later at work AF arrived. I find myself perplexed because I dont even know if I am supposed to be having a period.

Now I know how funny this sounds but I mean it. They have me so hopped up on drugs that I dont know what is up or down with AF. I am on the lupron (and have been for about 2 weeks) and off of BCP since last friday so maybe I was supposed to have a period?! Who the heck knows!!!!!

All I know is that I have horrible cramps and I just wanna lay heaped up in a ball on the couch for a week. Wouldnt it be nice if that were actually an option???? Haha, NOT AN OPTION.

Up and Down

Right now I would call myself down. I keep having "bad IF days" over and over and over. Im not sure why but it has been really tough lately. I think it is probably for a number is reasons:
1. I am so scared for this FET
2. We are broke and have completely run out of options/ways to pay for IF treatments
3. Its scary to think that I dont know what will happen or when we will be able to cycle again if the FET doesnt work
4. How will I handle an unwanted break?
5. Are the frozen embryos chromosomally stronger than the ones we put back with our IVF?
6. Babies are everywhere and EVERYONE is having them except me (it seems like it anyways)
7. IF meds make me sad, mad, confused, TIRED and a mess
8. Doxy makes me puke and I am so tired of it!
9. Lupron makes me sooooo incredibly tired
10. Work has been really really bad lately

those are just a few.

Most heartbreaking moment of the week: Last night I looked over and saw JD holding Bella like a baby and talking to her and softly tickling her head and I thought what an amazing dad he would be and how much love he has to give and I may never be able to give it to him. Does he ever wish he was married to a girl who could give him a baby? Am I worth losing all of that?

FET is finally going to be in progress

Tomorrow I have my ultrasound to check and see if my ovaries have shrunken back down to size after my IVF cycle in aug/sept. I am soooooo ready to finally be doing something. While I have been swallowing at least 11 pills a night I really dont feel like I am making any progress so I need this.

On another note, I didnt realize how broken I was/am until last night. I always put on a strong face and try to make my life be a little less awful and last night I just broke down. I cant tell you the last time I cried for hours but I just couldnt stop. It became even more obvious to me last night just how unfair this world is. I will never understand why some undeserving horrible people get to be moms and I cant. I woke up today with eyes that look swollen, empty and dead. I dont want to be one of those people who look vacant and hollow but today, I do.