FET

I woke up to snow, my favorite!!! I consider this to be good luck for our FET!

I am so superstitious that I had to put all these things on:

These are my awesome lucky socks from Amie for this FET:

Here are some pictures of JD and I getting ready for the transfer:

We sat down with the embryologist and the first 2 that he thawed were successful! He said that he liked one better than the other but they were both ok. They try to freeze a higher quality and lower quality embryo (of the ones that qualify for freeze) together that way you arent using all of your best embies in one shot. He said the very best one that they froze we have not used yet because it was frozen alone so that if they thawed 2 and only one survived they could thaw it with confidence it would be a good thaw. So, we have three left frozen after this FET we just did.

Here is the one that he liked better. He said that when they thaw them they expand and sometimes they will reshrink and reexpand a few times and this one had reshrunk a bit.



Here is the other one:



Funny thing is that when we went in for the transfer in the operating room they show you them pick them up and move them on a tv (its so cool that you get to watch!) and by the time we discussed them and got in there the one that had shrunken was reexpanding and the other one was shrinking a little bit. It was neat to see that.

This is a picture of my uterus with the embryos inside right after transfer. The big dark area at the top is my bladder and below it is my uterus and the bright white spot is the embryos!

Here are some post transfer pics:

So, (not to be negative) they said that if this FET does not work we will thaw and hope to transfer three next time and if we need another fresh cycle we will also be transferring 3. This is the last shot with 2.

PLEASE SNUGGLE IN BABIES!

Crafty, Crafty

Sometimes it seems like I have known Amie forever, we just get each other. I am so thankful for her and how our friendship has gotten so strong. I dont know how I would make it through IF without her and for her I am truly thankful.

On tuesday night Amie agreed to lend me her sewing skills and make some curtain with me. I need some light-blocking curtains for the bonus room so that the big screen doesnt have a glare and so its looks nicer!

I picked up some fabric, for 50% off I might add, and got some matching string (aka thread). I went over that night and we cut and pinned these curtains and Amie sewed them for me while teaching me to sew. Then she thought of a great idea, why not make pillows to match with the scraps!!!! So she showed me how to pin them and had me sew them completely myself (with lots of guidance). It all turned out great and now we decided that we need to have weekly (or as often as we can) craft nights!!! How fun, right?! Its a good vent and de-stress time for us.

Here are some pictures:

ITS TRANSFER WEEK!

There really arent words to explain how I feel about our transfer this thursday. Lots of words come to mind...

scared

excited

anxious

fearful

hopeful

..... terrified.

This is it, this is the last thing we can try that we have not done before. How scary. The estrogen has made me really emotional and I swear I have cried at least twice every day. I told Justin the other day that I feel like I am losing myself. I feel like I no longer have the same characteristics that I really liked about myself before. I think that generally I am always the happy one, I am the one who jokes around, Im the one who tries to lighten the mood, I am the one that people cry to who tries to make them feel better and see the glass as half full. I dont think these things are true anymore. I think that I still try to act this way, that I try to still be me but deep down inside I feel totally different. I feel like I am hiding behind this act, like I am putting on a show. Sometimes it is easier to just stay home and be sad so I dont have to act "ok". Sometimes when I meet new people I want to say "Hi, Im Lindsey, and I dont know who I am anymore."

Having said all of that, this week I am starting to feel better. I am starting to think that maybe this can work. Hope is creeping up, which is scary (as I have said before).

Everyone in the family (Justin's family) has been asking for our christmas lists and what we want for christmas and the truth is.... I want a miracle. I want a baby. I want what everyone else has. There isnt anything else that I want....

I need this to work. I need a miracle.

The beginning of the end

Yesterday was my past lupron shot (thank god!). After over a month of having to wake up and give myself a shot and then go back to sleep I am more than ready to just SLEEP a whole night and not wake up for a shot!!!! It was also my last night of estrace supps which I am also thrilled for, let me tell you first hand that they are not fun.

Today I began that twice a day doxycycline (vomit!) and I will also be taking medrol (a steroid) each night before bed. The other dreaded thing- PIO! I have to start it today and my butt is NOT HAPPY. Knowing that I start today and I might be on this daily, huge needled, thick injection for 3 months is painful. UGH! I hope I am on it for three months though because that will mean I am pregnant! =)

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble!

Happy Turkey Day to everyone!

Quick update, I went to see Dr.J (Have I even mentioned how much I love her?) yesterday and had my final ultrasound and blood work before my FET. Lining was 10mm!!!!! They wanted it to be at least a 7 so we are good. They didnt call me about blood work which means that all is fine I am sure. What does this mean? TRANSFER IS NEXT THURSDAY! My embabies are coming home with me a week form today. I am trying to remain cautiously optimistic about this FET. I desperately want it to work but I am terrified of more bad news. On saturday I have to start PIO (OUCH!), sore ass here I come.

Things I am thankful for:

-Modern medicine and the chance it provides me with

-My husband.... I love that butthead

-My family

-My friends

-That I have a job

-That I will be starting grad school on Jan 3rd (!!!!!!!!!!)

-My home

-My furbabies

-Last and certainly not least..... the strength that I have to keep trying and keep pushing forward. My heart may broken but my spirit isnt.

Infertility is like Cancer.

Infertility is like cancer. You can choose to fight or you can choose to give up but no matter what you choose the outcome may be the same. You may never beat it. It consumes your whole life and takes away parts of your soul that you cant get back. You can fight as hard as you can and do everything that every doctor even suggests that you try and still not beat it. You may be thinking that if you dont beat cancer you die and this is surely worse... what you may not have realized is that if you dont beat infertility that is like the death of your children, or at least the death of the dream to have children. In no uncertain terms it is the death of your family.

It is easy for people to understand how having cancer consumes your life but people dont seem to quite understand how infertility does the exact same thing. I am a human pincushion. Every day I take tons of medications that make me feel awful. Everyday I am in pain. Everyday I feel lost. Everyday I pray that the fight will end. Everyday I am wondering what else I can do, what else I can change. Everyday I cry because I am so scared that I wont win this fight.

When you have cancer it is so hard to see how your disease is affecting the people you love, what will they do without you, will they be ok? When you are infertile you cant help but think of all the ones you love, do they resent you, the gifts you are taking from your husband, the gift you are taking from your parents to be grandparents, will my husband be ok without kids, will I be ok without kids?

When you have cancer its so hard to watch everyone around you be healthy and live normal lives. When you are infertile it is so hard to watch everyone else have what you dream of and get it easily and even take it for granted.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I have cancer. I feel like I am fighting for my life. I dont want a life without children. I dont want a life where I am so depressed and devastated all the time. I dont want to be jealous of other people. I dont want to cry. But, this is the hand I was dealt, so I fight. I fight because I dont know what else to do. I fight because I feel like I was wronged. I fight because I dont know how to give up. I am fighting and I am broken.

(I in NO way mean to say that infertility is worse than cancer. I am trying to explain the way that infertility makes a person feel and affects their life is similar to that of a person with cancer.)

ICLW & BLOG MAKEOVER!

If you are new to my blog then WELCOME!

Tonight I am unveiling this new blog look for all to see! I got a fabulous blog makeover from Giggly Girl Designs. Let me tell you that Alison is awesome and she helped me make my blog exactly like I wanted it. THANK YOU ALISON!

Check out the new tabs to see our TTC History, Current Cycle, Lingo, etc. I am hoping that all of these new features bring new followers and excite my current followers.

Hey, maybe this new facelift will bring my some luck in the baby making department, haha. I doubt it but one can hope!

ALSO- If you look to the left you will see that you can grab my button and add it to your blog to let more people find/read my blog! I would love it if you added it (if you dont mind!).

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I am so broken that things will never be the same. Will I ever feel like im not the odd one out in the room? Will I ever see someone with their kids and not feel like a knife is being twisted in my heart? Will I ever be able to not feel awkward when babies or pregnancy is brought up?

Most of all, will it ever hurt less to hear "When are you guys going to have a baby? Are you trying?"...... HELL YEAH IM TRYING... IS TRYING SUPPOSED TO HELP?! How nice it would be to have one tiny bit of a say in when I have a baby! Do people actually get to have kids when it is convenient for them? Those are luxuries I will never know or feel. All I can wonder is "Will anything EVER work?".

will. anything. ever. work?

Its Hard to Hope

The truth is that there isn't much to look forward to after a failed IVF cycle. Its hard to not feel as though you have put everything possible into getting pregnant only to fail (again). So what now?

The chances if conceiving with an FET are cut in half from the chances that I had with a fresh cycle IVF. Knowing this, how am I supposed to think that this can work when why 75% success rate fresh cycle IVF didn't? It is next to impossible to convince myself that even though my fresh cycle failed my frozen cycle can succeed. Its hard to imagine it working because we still don't know why my fresh cycle failed; we have no reasons, nothing that we can fix or change.

The beauty of an FET is that it’s another shot, just when you were starting to think you were running out of chances.

The beauty of an FET is that maybe, just maybe, it could be your path to baby.

Dear Pillow

I wish we could have a couple weeks to just lay in bed.
Love, Lindsey

The Vivelle and Estrace are kicking my butt!

In other news, new blog makeover will be here soon and from the preview I have seen it looked AMAZING and I cant wait!!!