Monday, November 29, 2010


There really arent words to explain how I feel about our transfer this thursday. Lots of words come to mind...
..... terrified.

This is it, this is the last thing we can try that we have not done before. How scary. The estrogen has made me really emotional and I swear I have cried at least twice every day. I told Justin the other day that I feel like I am losing myself. I feel like I no longer have the same characteristics that I really liked about myself before. I think that generally I am always the happy one, I am the one who jokes around, Im the one who tries to lighten the mood, I am the one that people cry to who tries to make them feel better and see the glass as half full. I dont think these things are true anymore. I think that I still try to act this way, that I try to still be me but deep down inside I feel totally different. I feel like I am hiding behind this act, like I am putting on a show. Sometimes it is easier to just stay home and be sad so I dont have to act "ok". Sometimes when I meet new people I want to say "Hi, Im Lindsey, and I dont know who I am anymore."

Having said all of that, this week I am starting to feel better. I am starting to think that maybe this can work. Hope is creeping up, which is scary (as I have said before).

Everyone in the family (Justin's family) has been asking for our christmas lists and what we want for christmas and the truth is.... I want a miracle. I want a baby. I want what everyone else has. There isnt anything else that I want....

I need this to work. I need a miracle.


  1. Good Luck Lindsey! I know this will work for you guys.

    BTW..we have our first appointment at RGI next week.

  2. Fingers crossed for you! Hoping that this is the cycle that was meant to be.

  3. Good luck Lindsey! Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  4. Hoping and praying for you!
    I know that feeling, losing yourself in the maddness. I hope you are able to find yourself again soon!

  5. Hi! I'm not with ICLW, I just found your blog. You've been thru so much, keepin' my fingers crossed for you that this is your time! When we first started seeing our RE, I poured over the clinic success statistics. Turns out, FET's actually have a higher success rate than FET's!

  6. I so relate to the 'losing yourself' part of this. Some days I ask myself 'is this REALLY my life?' It can feel so foreign. I'm glad that things are starting to look up. I am crossing my fingers, toes, eyes, (lol) etc hoping that this is your time. Good luck!