My theme song

Have you ever had that moment when you hear a song and it means so much to you that you just want to cry! Well it happened to me. I have heard this song before and liked it but never really listened to the words. Tonight I listened and EVERY WORD is exactly what I want to say to my mom and anyone else who questions or forms/gives unwanted opinions on me and MY IF and MY DECISIONS!


Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe

So we meet again!

Today was my baseline ultrasound and blood work. I had to be there at 8am, OUCH! When I got there the first thing they had me to was get my blood drawn. It went fairly well for having shit for veins and really only having one usable spot that has been repeatedly poked and prodded hundreds of times in the last 60-90 days. Then I went back for my ultrasound. Normally the wait is very very short, as in less than 3 minutes, well today it was 35 minutes. This normally wouldn't bother me but I was supposed to be at acupuncture at 9am. Needless to say, I had to call and tell her I was running late and luckily she was able to accommodate. The ultrasound was uneventful, I had no large cysts and was seemed to be suppressed like they wanted me to be. After the u/s I had to go out and remind Terri (the ivf nurse) that they didnt check my liver enzymes like they were supposed to and he said we will do it on the 7th. Ok, well thats 20 days between checks and I am under strict orders from my PCP to check it every 7 days. Thank you nurse dumb-ass. I also had to ask her for a pack of BCPs and she "supposedly" had already written down to remind herself to give me... she acted like she didnt know what I was talking about. I guess she has no memory either.

I had a realization today: My ultrasound HURT SO BAD! My left ovary is just plain mean to me and I CANNOT imagine how bad it is going to hurt when my ovaries are 10 times this size in about a week and thereafter. I am DREADING it.

Dr.J just got back from vacation and said that she was catching up on my liver issues. We discussed them and she said that she want to think about and look up some info on Actos to see if we could use it instead of the metformin that I clearly cant use. She said that when the IVF nurse, Terri, called me with my E2 results she would also tell me what we were going to do about my insulin resistance. This would all be fine and dandy if Terri had ever called, but she didnt. Terri is the most incompetent nurse and I cannot stand it, I wish they would hire someone with a brain and a personality.... but alas, I have Terrible-Terri.

After leaving the office I went to acupuncture. THANK GOD. It was WONDERFUL. Each time I go I get into a deeper relaxation state and this time I was as close to sleep as it gets. I am so glad that I start acupuncture because I think it really helps with my stress, especially since I have terrible-terri driving me bonkers.

Well now it is nighttime and guess what?!? TERRIBLE-TERRI NEVER CALLED. Neither did my PCPs office to tell me about my thyroid antibody tests from last tuesday. I called on friday and asked for a call back before the weekend and now its monday night and I still haven't gotten a call back.

Everyone is INCOMPETENT and I am PISSED. Why is it so hard to get good care??!! I am at my wits end. I guess I will just sit back and let everything get missed and forgotten therefor basically pissing on the 20k this IVF costs.

Bitter much?

On an up side- I take my last BCP tonight.

Lupron

Since last wednesday this has been what my mornings have consisted of; Waking up at 7am to inject myself with this...



In humans, subcutaneous administration of single daily doses of leuprolide acetate results in an initial increase in circulating levels of luteinizing hormone (LH) and follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), leading to a transient increase in levels of the gonadal steroids (testosterone and dihydrotestosterone in males, and estrone and estradiol in pre-menopausal females). However, continuous daily administration of leuprolide acetate results in decreased levels of LH and FSH. In pre menopausal females, estrogens are reduced to post-menopausal levels.

So apparently the reason that I am having so many hot flashes and other old ladies symptoms is because I am currently POST-MENOPAUSAL! HAHA!

Side Effects:
Mild burning/pain/bruising at the injection site, hot flashes (flushing), increased sweating, night sweats, tiredness, headache, upset stomach, breast changes, acne, joint/muscle aches, trouble sleeping, reduced sexual interest, vaginal discomfort/dryness, vaginal bleeding, swelling of the ankles/feet, increased urination at night, or dizziness may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, tell your doctor or pharmacist promptly.

So far I have: hot flashes like im in the sahara desert, night sweats, TIREDNESS, and some SERIOUS BACKACHES!

Heres your sign!

You know you are in the middle of an IVF cycle when:

your nightstand looks like this:


except this was 2 days ago and now there are 4 MORE pill bottles added to that mess. And that is just what is by the bed!!!!

At 6:30am every morning when Justin gets up to get ready for work he bring me my lupron and I draw it up, shoot up, and throw my needle in that biohazard container and roll over to go back to sleep.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE........

LIVER ENZYMES ARE DECREASING!!!!!!!! slowly though. They were down but not too much. This is good news though because it means my cycle is NOT cancelled and we are going to recheck the liver enzymes in 1 week. I really hope that they continue to go down.

In the meantime my IVF nurse called, who by the way frankly sucks. She wanted to know what my DR said and then wanted to make sure that everything was on track. I told her that I would be 1 BCP short and would run out next monday and I was supposed to take my last one that night. She sat there is silence trying to "think" FOREVER..... if you dont know why not ask the DOCTOR?! She didnt think of that I guess and just mulled it over forever and wouldnt let me suggest anything or she got huffy. I am so annoyed that she is "new and learning IVF". She needs to have someone there fixing all the messes she is making and checking what she is doing because from our conversation today I learned that she cant count to 6.... a very basic skill. UGH..... go away lady!

Acupuncture

Anyone who knows me would tell you that I used to be DEATHLY terrified of needles. I refused to have blood drawn, cried when I got shots, and couldnt even think about needles. Then I went to nursing school, I cried the first time I have an IM injection and feared doing it every time after. Then I became an "infertile" and I now have NO fear of needles whatsoever! I could stick myself 20 times a day if I had to.

With my newfound courage I decided that with the IVF cycle I would try acupuncture (among other things)to try to increase my odds. I got a referral from a friend for a fertility acupuncturist and set up the appointment a few weeks ago. I went last night and it was a really neat experience. We talked about a lot of things first and she gave me some ideas for all natural antioxidants I can try to eat/drink a lot of during the cycle. Then we got to the acupuncture:

I laid on my stomach and she put needles into my feet, ankles, calves, sacrum, lower back, wrists and ears.

PCP appt

I went to see my primary care doctor this morning to see whats going on with my liver (my RE asked me to please go see the PCP). She was overall pretty confused by the whole things like most non-fertility doctors are. After hearing everything she said that we needed to re-check it and that we should re-check some thyroid stuff too. So they drew blood and now we wait....

She said that if the liver enzymes are decreasing then we are fine but if they stay the same or go up then I have to go get a liver u/s and cancel my cycle.

Rain on my parade.

Im starting to wonder if there is such a thing as good news in my life.

In case you didnt see or forgot about 2 weeks ago they did a bunch of bloodwork on me and my liver enzymes came back elevated at 109 (normal is from 0 to 40)... they were hoping that it was from drinking one night over that weekend or all the vicodin I had taken that month due to my wisdom teeth so they had me take NOTHING except my metformin and prenatal vitamin and BCP (because I am in the middle of an IVF cycle).

Well this wed they drew my liver labs again. I got a call yesterday and said that I had to stop metformin immediately and go see my primary care physician because my ALT came back at 167, in a week and two days it went up that much.

I am DEVASTATED. First of all, what will my primary care dr do?! She doesnt know anything about any of this and noone ever gets it when I explain why I am on metformin and im not diabetic. Second, I am supposed to start lupron on wednesday.... I CANNOT handle a cancelled cycle. I really cant. I am scared they are going to tell me that I cant take ANY meds because of my liver until it gets better.

Also, if I do get to cycle it will be without my metformin. The drug that in supposed to increase my egg quality and PREVENT MISCARRIAGE.

I feel so broken.

My visit today!

Today I had my pap, trial transfer, saline sonogram, IM teaching for DH, and blood work for my messed up liver (i am still very sad about this and scared that they will have to take me off of the met).

Trial transfer- not bad at all. It really didnt bother me and didnt take too long.

Saline Sono- This actually was really uncomfortable for me. I had more discomfort with this than I did my HSG. Everything looked good and she didnt see anything unusual.

She also wanted to look at my ovaries and this was the most painful part because my left ovary ALWAYS gives them problems. They say that it seems to be behind my uterus (weird right?!). Well its excruciating for them to look at it on u/s.

We go in tomorrow morning for our consent signing and to hand over wayyyyyy too much money but im excited!!!!

Big day tomorrow!

Tomorrow morning I have to go into the Drs office for a couple procedures.

First a Saline Sonogram:
A saline infusion sonogram (saline sonography) is routinely performed to make sure that the endometrial cavity (inside of the uterus) appears normal. Benign uterine growths, such as endometrial polyps or uterine fibroids, may develop in the cavity and create an environment that is hostile for implantation. Scar tissue may also be identified with the saline infusion sonogram. This procedure may be done as part of an evaluation for recurrent pregnancy loss or done prior to an IVF cycle. It may also be done to evaluate causes of irregular or very heavy menstrual cycles and some types of chronic pelvic pain. The saline infusion sonogram is scheduled early in a menstrual cycle, just after your period stops but before ovulation – usually between days 5-12 of the cycle.

Second a Trial Transfer:
In addition to evaluating the uterus for abnormalities we also like to evaluate the shape and length of your cervix and uterus by performing a trial embryo transfer under ultrasound guidance with the same catheters and techniques we use for the embryo transfer. During the trial transfer we will take measurements and make notes that we can refer to during your embryo transfer. If problems are encountered during the trial transfer we can make the necessary changes to ensure the best embryo transfer possible.

Third a pap.... somehow being that there have been so many thing (catheters, ultrasound probes, people, etc) in my crotch I didnt even notice that I had not had a pap since about a year and a half ago. Oops.

Fourth: Justin is going to have injection teaching so that he is able to give me my trigger injection and my PIO injections every day after my tranfer. I am dreading PIO because I have never heard anything other than horror stories about it.

IVF meds arrived

Today I waited around all morning to sign for my meds being shipped in from Akron. I am pretty sure that my fridge and kitchen table look like a pharmacy.

Here is alllllllllll the meds (except for 1 thing I havent gotten yet):


This is my collection of injection meds.... all of which I will be shooting up with:


I think I have somewhere close to 150 syringes and needles if not more:


I will be swallowing like 20 pills a day:


I think that my body may be in for a shock. PLEASE BE WORTH IT!

First Nuclear Meltdown for IVF #1

It was thursday night and DH and I were sitting on the couch just watching TV when all of the sudden I looked around and thought to myself "If i see one thing out of place I am going to lose it!". So I immediately got up off the couch, yelled that our house is a pig sty, and started what is now referred to by DH as a "freak cleaning". I immediately started throwing things, papers, mail, everything away. I cleaned of the coffee table, organized the living room, unloaded the dishwasher, did the dishes, cleaned up the mail counter, cleaned off the kitchen table, packed away 4th of july things, vacuumed, dusted, shook out rugs, put laundry in and then fell back onto the couch only to realize I am a crazy person.

Not more than a minute went by and I was crying.... DH looks at me and says "Why are you mad at me?". I tell him that it has nothing to do with him. I then go on to realize how scary it is to be excited for IVF w/ICSI #1 because I now have hope and that means that if it doesn't work my hope will be crushed AGAIN and it will be harder this time. Its hard to feel like close to $20,000 isn't enough to lose let alone all the hope that you have built up. Its always scary and exciting to move on to something new, in this case is started out as mostly excitement which has now turned into terror. Terror that I will be the reason it doesn't work, terror that I will blame myself for not doing this or that, terror that there is no next step besides donors and adoption. Just plain TERROR.

None of this includes the terror that we have if we do get pregnant. My risk of miscarriage is so incredibly high that I know I would spend every day of my pregnancy terrified of the "what ifs". All the money that we had to make the perfect nursery with all the bells and whistles is gone. We wont be able to buy all the stuff we would need for baby. My mother in law assures me that that is what family and friends are for but its scary knowing that you have to rely on that because everything you ever saved is gone. Most people worry that once they have kids they will spend all of their money on them, we are worried because we are spending all of our money just trying to get pregnant in the first place. Its funny how I used to dream of the perfect nursery and what nice daycare/school I would send my kidS too and now Im scared that I wont ever get to make those decisions and I am also having to let go of that dream because we wont have the money to do either of those things. We will be maying the equivalent to an expensive ritzy daycare to some bank who holds all of our debt from this process.

Now, dont get me wrong. I would NEVER give up trying to have a baby of our very own. I know that for most people its easy and for me its a constant battle with health, emotions, money and many other things. But here I am climbing, praying I will reach the top someday, just knowing that in the end this has to be worth it, there has to be a peak atop this mountain where our dreams come true. Right?! Well I certainly hope so and if not it certainly wont be for a lack of effort.

IVF nurse called

So RGI just called me .... well Terri the IVF nurse did..... more bad news! My liver enzymes came back dangerously high =( they are wondering if it is from the alcohol this past weekend or from all the vicodin that I have had to take in the last month but what they are really worried about it that it is the metformin. I have to have it retested in a week or so because if it is still high they have to take me off the metformin (which would be very bad) so that my liver doesnt shut down =( Scary right?! The normal level for an ALT is 5 to 40 and mine came back at 109.

She said that my FSH came back better this time because before (in her own words) it was "CRAZY low". umm, ok?! My DHEA Sulfate was still high and I will have to take dexamethisone for it again.

The meds she told me that I would order/be on were:
Follistim
Lupron
HCG
PIO
Valium
Vicodin
Medrol
Doxycycline
Prenatal vitamin
Foltex (I was supposed to startit but now they are worried about my liver so I have to wait)
Metformin (HOPEFULLY.... PLEASE GOD!)
Dexamethisone
Aspirin

IVF consult was today!

I found out today that not only to I have PCOS but I also have hypothalamic amenorrhea.... apparently it is extremely rare to have both???? I dont know.

I am going to be doing long lupron protocol. I start BCP tonight!!! I will get my exact meds and schedule soon because she ran like 17 different labs on me today (CD3) and wanted to get a better look at some more of my horomones.

The only bad part is that it is going to cost us more than we thought and now we are scrambling to try and find money or a loan etc. GRR, IF SUCKS! I never thought I would have to shell out 10 grand before even starting a cycle not counting all the additional costs and payments after that. :::deep breaths:::

Im really excited to be getting started though!

Beta is in

Negative..... :::sigh:::

I dont know what to say.

Beta

I have my beta tomorrow morning, as I said before I took an HPT on tuesday and it was negative so Im expecting to get that confirmed. Ugh!

11dpIUI

I POAS this morning and I got a BFN.... stark white... not even the slightest sign of a second line. I am going to get a beta on thursday to make sure. This BFN is weird, I just want to move on.