It was thursday night and DH and I were sitting on the couch just watching TV when all of the sudden I looked around and thought to myself "If i see one thing out of place I am going to lose it!". So I immediately got up off the couch, yelled that our house is a pig sty, and started what is now referred to by DH as a "freak cleaning". I immediately started throwing things, papers, mail, everything away. I cleaned of the coffee table, organized the living room, unloaded the dishwasher, did the dishes, cleaned up the mail counter, cleaned off the kitchen table, packed away 4th of july things, vacuumed, dusted, shook out rugs, put laundry in and then fell back onto the couch only to realize I am a crazy person.
Not more than a minute went by and I was crying.... DH looks at me and says "Why are you mad at me?". I tell him that it has nothing to do with him. I then go on to realize how scary it is to be excited for IVF w/ICSI #1 because I now have hope and that means that if it doesn't work my hope will be crushed AGAIN and it will be harder this time. Its hard to feel like close to $20,000 isn't enough to lose let alone all the hope that you have built up. Its always scary and exciting to move on to something new, in this case is started out as mostly excitement which has now turned into terror. Terror that I will be the reason it doesn't work, terror that I will blame myself for not doing this or that, terror that there is no next step besides donors and adoption. Just plain TERROR.
None of this includes the terror that we have if we do get pregnant. My risk of miscarriage is so incredibly high that I know I would spend every day of my pregnancy terrified of the "what ifs". All the money that we had to make the perfect nursery with all the bells and whistles is gone. We wont be able to buy all the stuff we would need for baby. My mother in law assures me that that is what family and friends are for but its scary knowing that you have to rely on that because everything you ever saved is gone. Most people worry that once they have kids they will spend all of their money on them, we are worried because we are spending all of our money just trying to get pregnant in the first place. Its funny how I used to dream of the perfect nursery and what nice daycare/school I would send my kidS too and now Im scared that I wont ever get to make those decisions and I am also having to let go of that dream because we wont have the money to do either of those things. We will be maying the equivalent to an expensive ritzy daycare to some bank who holds all of our debt from this process.
Now, dont get me wrong. I would NEVER give up trying to have a baby of our very own. I know that for most people its easy and for me its a constant battle with health, emotions, money and many other things. But here I am climbing, praying I will reach the top someday, just knowing that in the end this has to be worth it, there has to be a peak atop this mountain where our dreams come true. Right?! Well I certainly hope so and if not it certainly wont be for a lack of effort.
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