Time for an update...

First of all let me say I am sorry to all my followers. I went dark this week and didnt post because I have been really unsure of how to feel and wasnt really ready to share all the details with everyone. But after much dismay and consideration I cant keep you girls waiting anymore so here it is:

On tuesday morning I woke up and POAS. This is what I saw:

Looks like a whole lot of nothing, but if you turn it just right in the light you can see an invisible pink like where there is normally an invisible white line. This could not possibly be more faint. I literally thought that it was just my eyes seeing things because they wanted to so badly. Well, I drove (with the stick) to my friend Ashley's house because I knew she had a faint one when she got pregnant with her son and I wanted to see if she saw it to. I got there and told her that I was pretty sure my mind was playing tricks on me because in the car I didnt see it anymore really. Well..... she saw it too but it was ever so faint. This made me decide that I was not going to pee allllll day while I was at work and I would only have one drink and I would go home after work and pee in a cup (tmi I know) and then I could do another FRER and a digital also.

Justin wanted me to wait till he got home so I did. The FRER must have not been dipped long enough because there was no second line and the control line was really really light. Then I dipped a digital and this is what I saw:

This made both of us really excited but at the same time very nervous by the extremely light line on the FRER. It really is sad that when you deal with IF you are

robbed of the joy of a +HPT because you know its not that simple. We know we are high risk, we know we can get a chemical pregnancy, we know it might be a low beta that puts us through hell. But at this point we are at OMG ITS POSITIVE. That has only happened once and it was trigger still and we had to trigger to positive means positive.

Justin had to go coach hockey that night so I stayed home and ran my brain crazy with thinking. When Justin got home he brought me flowers and said "Happy first day being a MOM". He is so hopeful and I love this about him.

On wednesday morning I woke up and POAS again (of course because I am a crackhead once I start) and got a slightly better line but it was still SUPER light.

On thursday morning I was SURE that I was going to get a good dark line, and I didnt. Another faint line. At this point I am very worried. This could mean that I have a really really low beta (or HCG level) which would indicate a chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that ends in m/c before it really even starts). I couldnt get this off my mind so after a little shove from Amie I decided to call the nurse at my REs office.

I called and talked with her and she made me feel so much better. Of course I should say that she always does, I adore this nurse and always enjoy getting to see her and talk to her. So after talking with her I felt better about my HPTs and I knew that I would survive till tomorrow morning for beta (friday morning). Then, LUCKILY, my patient whose house I had just got to wasnt home and as soon as I got back in my car my phone was ringing. It was the nurse calling back to see if I could get to the office by noon. HECK YES I CAN! (haha). She said that Dr.J asked her what I said and said to have me come in (oh how I love Dr.J!!!!!). So off to the office I went. I got the blood drawn and got to see the nurse, Dr.J, and the blood draw nurse all of whom I really like. Today make me remember, once again, how unbelievably thankful and happy I am that I switched to this new Dr and office. They are the best group of people a girl could ask for =) They said that I would have results this afternoon so now it was the dreaded wait!

A few minutes before three my phone rang.... the nurse told me my beta came back positive and that I am PREGNANT! The beta came back at 29. This is low but we tested a day early. They like to see it above 50 at 14dpo and today was 13dpo. So now its a waiting game to see what the results tell us on saturday. They want to see a 68% rise, im pretty sure she said 68. The nurse was really positive and happy and I am too. I am also terrified and really worried about this number getting the proper rise. 29 is not at all what I wanted to hear but at the same time I AM PREGNANT. Tomorrow I will be 4 weeks pregnant.

Today I am pregnant. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be my sticky baby and let my betas double correctly.

I am sorry I havent told everyone yet. Its just scary to tell people and make it "real" before we know it is real. Its hard because people who havent dealt with IF will hear that it was positive and think that everything is great now and all is solved and its not, YET. We arent out of the woods.... we dont even know where the woods are yet but let me tell you WE ARE OUT LOOKING FOR THEM!

The Crackhead and her Sweet Husband!

Let me start off my saying that HPTs are like crack for me, once I start I just cant stop peeing on them!!!! Took one this morning and one after work and both negative... its still kinda early so I will keep trying each morning!

Here are some photos to keep you entertained: I have literally been outfitting my feet in penguins as much as possible and its easy because they are super cute!

Tonight I went to dinner with Amie, Ashley & Brady (who will be 3 weeks old tomorrow). I just adore these girls and cant get enough of them. We have such a good time when we get together. We were at Brio for 3 hours tonight and it felt like it wasnt nearly that long. Brady is precious, I love newborns... so sweet and they sleep with their cute little hands by their faces. When I came home from dinner this is what I saw:

My wonderful husband cleaned the garage up so that I can park in it and keep my car clean and warm! I was SOOOOO happy to see this and I am so excited to park in there. I have only parked in there a handful of times since we moved here 1 year and 8 months ago.

We have been featured

on Spotlight on Infertility! Just click here and head on over to "The Domestic Princess".

Go check it out =)

Compiling my thoughts

First of all I finished bedrest half way through today and I was so excited just to walk around. DH and I went to get something to eat and then we did go to the store and buy TONS of HPTs.

After coming back home I held off about an hour then decided it was time to POAS. Now, I know that 3dp6dt is very early but I was ready to see the negative if it showed up because I know it was early. So I peed on it and....

It was negative.

Thats ok, it didnt bother me to see it. I figured it was too early to show up so I will try again in the morning with FMU (first morning urine) since its the most potent with HcG. I have a feeling that this cycle is it so I didnt lose any hope today!

Tonight we went to a movie with Amie and Chris and had a really nice time, the movie was really good too. We saw The Next 3 Days and I would definitely recommend seeing it!

My brain is in high gear tonight and I have some thoughts that I just want to get out, so here is goes.

Recently I had someone tell me that I was fearless and that they "dont know how I do it". Well I am kind of used to hearing people say that they dont know how I do it, I dont know how I do it. I never thought I could do all this. I guess my response to that is that you do what you have to do when you have to do it. I am doing things I never thought possible.

The part of this that confused me was when she said that I was FEARLESS. I dont feel fearless, I feel like I am scared all the time. I live in fear. Fear of failing, fear of never being a mother, fear of never being happy again, fear of fear. After pondering this for a few days I realized this: Being fearless does not mean that you fear nothing... it means that you face the things you fear most and confront them head on. I do that. It is the first time that I realized that I am fearless. I am doing things I never believed possible. I fight against the thing that scares me most every. single. day.

"If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless"

Today I was so happy. When Justin and I were out and driving to the store I actually thought to myself that I couldnt remember the last time I was this happy. It was a feeling of hope, joy, relief, NORMALCY. I felt normal. Then I got to thinking. I think if this FET fails I may never be this happy again.... ever. There will be nothing "new" to try. I will never be this hopeful again. What if I am never happy again? After feeling the rush today I cant imagine a life without that feeling.

One thing I can say is that we will always be able to say that we tried everything, we did everything, we never gave up. We have given this everything that we have; our hearts, our bodies, our money, everything. My mom often asks me if all this money is worth it, if all this debt that it seems we are buried under is worth it. I can tell you this: IT IS WORTH IT. Ever dollar we spend is worth it, every tear is worth it, every miserable desolate fall is worth it because in the end we MIGHT get to be parents. Anything is worth that chance.

Executive Decision.

I have decided to go back to the dark side and POAS this cycle. I have not peed on pregnancy test since June when I got a false positive and it literally about killed me getting that negative beta the next day. BUT, with an FET there is no trigger injection therefor no risk of getting a false positive. Today I am off to Walmart to stockpile HPTs!

Another day of bedrest

Todays agenda:
Wake up freaking out because I forgot to put on my 2 new estrogen patches last night
Put patches on
Have heart attack
Watch football in bed
Lunch while laying on the family room couch
Laid on the family room couch and watch Celebrity Rehab
Laid on the bonus room couch and watch DH play video games
Laid on the bonus room couch and watch football
PIO
Friends (Kelli and Matt) came over and we watched football and order pizza for dinner
Played monopoly
Now laying in bed getting ready to do my football picks for the games tomorrow and fix my fantasy teams (yes, I have a football problem).

I WANT TO GO FOR A JOG... AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNUGGLE IN LITTLE ONES, I really need you to be my christmas miracles.

Bedrest

IS SO BORING! I mean I am going crazy here people.

Today I:
laid in bed

watched "Julie and Julia"- this very cute by the way!

laid on the bonus room couch

ate chinese delivery

watched a couple episodes of Brew Masters (which is a really cool new show)

took a nap

laid on the family room couch

did PIO shot and laid on heating pad (OUCH!)

watched "Up"- also cute but im not really a cartoon person.

ate lasagna and salad my mom cooked and brought over for us to bake and eat.

watched JD play video games while laying on the bonus room couch.

now, we are laying in bed and watching "Angels and Demons" but im not paying good attention so I am lost.

Overall, I laid a lot and my back is killing me... I just wanna get up and go for a walk around the neighborhood but I cant because I am trying to get these babies to implant and stay for the long haul.

p.s. I love all you readers and really appreciate your comments =)

Looking forward to: KELLI AND MATT COMING OVER TOMORROW NIGHT TO HANG OUT with JD and I while I am still on bedrest. Thank goodness for good friends!

Christmas Decor

Since I am on bedrest and cant really do anything I thought I would post some pictures of our christmas decorations! I love to decorate for each season/holiday. This is something that my mother-in-law started me on. She decorates EVERYTHING in her house for the season. So without further ado here is some of my christmas decor:

Family Room:

Kitchen:

Front Hallway/Entranceway:

Bonus Room/Penn State Room:

Gotta have a PSU tree =)

FET

I woke up to snow, my favorite!!! I consider this to be good luck for our FET!

I am so superstitious that I had to put all these things on:

These are my awesome lucky socks from Amie for this FET:

Here are some pictures of JD and I getting ready for the transfer:

We sat down with the embryologist and the first 2 that he thawed were successful! He said that he liked one better than the other but they were both ok. They try to freeze a higher quality and lower quality embryo (of the ones that qualify for freeze) together that way you arent using all of your best embies in one shot. He said the very best one that they froze we have not used yet because it was frozen alone so that if they thawed 2 and only one survived they could thaw it with confidence it would be a good thaw. So, we have three left frozen after this FET we just did.

Here is the one that he liked better. He said that when they thaw them they expand and sometimes they will reshrink and reexpand a few times and this one had reshrunk a bit.



Here is the other one:



Funny thing is that when we went in for the transfer in the operating room they show you them pick them up and move them on a tv (its so cool that you get to watch!) and by the time we discussed them and got in there the one that had shrunken was reexpanding and the other one was shrinking a little bit. It was neat to see that.

This is a picture of my uterus with the embryos inside right after transfer. The big dark area at the top is my bladder and below it is my uterus and the bright white spot is the embryos!

Here are some post transfer pics:

So, (not to be negative) they said that if this FET does not work we will thaw and hope to transfer three next time and if we need another fresh cycle we will also be transferring 3. This is the last shot with 2.

PLEASE SNUGGLE IN BABIES!

Crafty, Crafty

Sometimes it seems like I have known Amie forever, we just get each other. I am so thankful for her and how our friendship has gotten so strong. I dont know how I would make it through IF without her and for her I am truly thankful.

On tuesday night Amie agreed to lend me her sewing skills and make some curtain with me. I need some light-blocking curtains for the bonus room so that the big screen doesnt have a glare and so its looks nicer!

I picked up some fabric, for 50% off I might add, and got some matching string (aka thread). I went over that night and we cut and pinned these curtains and Amie sewed them for me while teaching me to sew. Then she thought of a great idea, why not make pillows to match with the scraps!!!! So she showed me how to pin them and had me sew them completely myself (with lots of guidance). It all turned out great and now we decided that we need to have weekly (or as often as we can) craft nights!!! How fun, right?! Its a good vent and de-stress time for us.

Here are some pictures: