Compiling my thoughts

First of all I finished bedrest half way through today and I was so excited just to walk around. DH and I went to get something to eat and then we did go to the store and buy TONS of HPTs.

After coming back home I held off about an hour then decided it was time to POAS. Now, I know that 3dp6dt is very early but I was ready to see the negative if it showed up because I know it was early. So I peed on it and....

It was negative.

Thats ok, it didnt bother me to see it. I figured it was too early to show up so I will try again in the morning with FMU (first morning urine) since its the most potent with HcG. I have a feeling that this cycle is it so I didnt lose any hope today!

Tonight we went to a movie with Amie and Chris and had a really nice time, the movie was really good too. We saw The Next 3 Days and I would definitely recommend seeing it!

My brain is in high gear tonight and I have some thoughts that I just want to get out, so here is goes.

Recently I had someone tell me that I was fearless and that they "dont know how I do it". Well I am kind of used to hearing people say that they dont know how I do it, I dont know how I do it. I never thought I could do all this. I guess my response to that is that you do what you have to do when you have to do it. I am doing things I never thought possible.

The part of this that confused me was when she said that I was FEARLESS. I dont feel fearless, I feel like I am scared all the time. I live in fear. Fear of failing, fear of never being a mother, fear of never being happy again, fear of fear. After pondering this for a few days I realized this: Being fearless does not mean that you fear nothing... it means that you face the things you fear most and confront them head on. I do that. It is the first time that I realized that I am fearless. I am doing things I never believed possible. I fight against the thing that scares me most every. single. day.

"If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless"

Today I was so happy. When Justin and I were out and driving to the store I actually thought to myself that I couldnt remember the last time I was this happy. It was a feeling of hope, joy, relief, NORMALCY. I felt normal. Then I got to thinking. I think if this FET fails I may never be this happy again.... ever. There will be nothing "new" to try. I will never be this hopeful again. What if I am never happy again? After feeling the rush today I cant imagine a life without that feeling.

One thing I can say is that we will always be able to say that we tried everything, we did everything, we never gave up. We have given this everything that we have; our hearts, our bodies, our money, everything. My mom often asks me if all this money is worth it, if all this debt that it seems we are buried under is worth it. I can tell you this: IT IS WORTH IT. Ever dollar we spend is worth it, every tear is worth it, every miserable desolate fall is worth it because in the end we MIGHT get to be parents. Anything is worth that chance.