Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The new "changed" me

I have been thinking lately how much infertility has changed me and what I have learned form it. I think that these are things that I would like to record and remember someday!

Fears that I have overcome:
-Having Blood Drawn: I have very bad veins and have always been terrified to have blood drawn because it is usually a very bad experience. Now I have blood drawn at least once a week if not daily. This is definitely a milestone for me.
-Shots: Even though I am a nurse I used to HATE shots. I cried the first time I had to give a shot in nursing school and now I give myself multiple shots every day and let Justin give me IM shots (the big boys) in my back and hip.
-Anesthesia: I have always been afraid of having anesthesia and I had it for my ER (egg retrieval) surgery.
-Pills/Meds: While I strongly believe in medicine and taking necessary meds, I didnt like to take anything that I absolutely didnt have to. Now I take at least 8 pills a day.
-Needles: I did ACUPUNCTURE for my IVF cycle!

Things that I have learned:
-Patience: While it is not by choice I am learning patience and fighting it the whole time =)
-True Heartbreak: Breaking up with boyfriends, having fights, losing friends; none of this even compares to TRUE and actual heartbreak.
-Hope Returns: No matter what happens and no matter how many times your hope gets shattered it creeps back up. It almost hurts more when hope creeps back up. Hope is such a blissful place..... you dont realize how scary life is until all hope is gone for a while.

The most important thing that I have learned is how truly and deeply I love Justin. I would not, and could not, keep my head up and live each day without him. He is the ONLY person who really knows what we have been through. He can look at me and know what I am thinking and know that I am hurting without me saying it.
Justin and I have been together for 7 and a half years, and that is such a long time considering I am only 25. We have long surpassed our "honeymoon phase" but our love has never changed. There have been hard times along the way and battling infertility doesnt make things any easier. You will often often hear women say what a strain infertility is on a marriage and this is true. Throughout the first year we were TTC and going through medicated cycles and doing IUIs I thought that Justin wasnt as involved emotionally as I wanted him to be, I wanted him to voice more to me. Nothing puts more of a damper on your sex life than having doctors tell you when and when not to have sex.... trust me it takes all the spontaneity out of it and makes it more of a chore.
After we passed the one year mark of treatment and started questioning our RE (the old one) Justin became so much more involved. We went through injectable IUIs and then moved on to IVF w/ICSI and the relationship that we have has grown so much stronger. I feel so much closer to him and I really hate me be apart now.
Justin travels a lot for work and this did not bother me before but now I find it hard. He is the only one who gets it and I need him. If I need to cry and be mad it is his shoulder I want to cry on. He is so special to me and I think recently and through our failed IVF we realized that we are all that we may ever have and we need each other. I cannot imagine having gone through this journey with anyone else, I wouldnt want to go through this journey with anyone else and I love him more than words can say.


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