ITS TRANSFER WEEK!

There really arent words to explain how I feel about our transfer this thursday. Lots of words come to mind...

scared

excited

anxious

fearful

hopeful

..... terrified.

This is it, this is the last thing we can try that we have not done before. How scary. The estrogen has made me really emotional and I swear I have cried at least twice every day. I told Justin the other day that I feel like I am losing myself. I feel like I no longer have the same characteristics that I really liked about myself before. I think that generally I am always the happy one, I am the one who jokes around, Im the one who tries to lighten the mood, I am the one that people cry to who tries to make them feel better and see the glass as half full. I dont think these things are true anymore. I think that I still try to act this way, that I try to still be me but deep down inside I feel totally different. I feel like I am hiding behind this act, like I am putting on a show. Sometimes it is easier to just stay home and be sad so I dont have to act "ok". Sometimes when I meet new people I want to say "Hi, Im Lindsey, and I dont know who I am anymore."

Having said all of that, this week I am starting to feel better. I am starting to think that maybe this can work. Hope is creeping up, which is scary (as I have said before).

Everyone in the family (Justin's family) has been asking for our christmas lists and what we want for christmas and the truth is.... I want a miracle. I want a baby. I want what everyone else has. There isnt anything else that I want....

I need this to work. I need a miracle.

The beginning of the end

Yesterday was my past lupron shot (thank god!). After over a month of having to wake up and give myself a shot and then go back to sleep I am more than ready to just SLEEP a whole night and not wake up for a shot!!!! It was also my last night of estrace supps which I am also thrilled for, let me tell you first hand that they are not fun.

Today I began that twice a day doxycycline (vomit!) and I will also be taking medrol (a steroid) each night before bed. The other dreaded thing- PIO! I have to start it today and my butt is NOT HAPPY. Knowing that I start today and I might be on this daily, huge needled, thick injection for 3 months is painful. UGH! I hope I am on it for three months though because that will mean I am pregnant! =)

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble!

Happy Turkey Day to everyone!

Quick update, I went to see Dr.J (Have I even mentioned how much I love her?) yesterday and had my final ultrasound and blood work before my FET. Lining was 10mm!!!!! They wanted it to be at least a 7 so we are good. They didnt call me about blood work which means that all is fine I am sure. What does this mean? TRANSFER IS NEXT THURSDAY! My embabies are coming home with me a week form today. I am trying to remain cautiously optimistic about this FET. I desperately want it to work but I am terrified of more bad news. On saturday I have to start PIO (OUCH!), sore ass here I come.

Things I am thankful for:

-Modern medicine and the chance it provides me with

-My husband.... I love that butthead

-My family

-My friends

-That I have a job

-That I will be starting grad school on Jan 3rd (!!!!!!!!!!)

-My home

-My furbabies

-Last and certainly not least..... the strength that I have to keep trying and keep pushing forward. My heart may broken but my spirit isnt.

Infertility is like Cancer.

Infertility is like cancer. You can choose to fight or you can choose to give up but no matter what you choose the outcome may be the same. You may never beat it. It consumes your whole life and takes away parts of your soul that you cant get back. You can fight as hard as you can and do everything that every doctor even suggests that you try and still not beat it. You may be thinking that if you dont beat cancer you die and this is surely worse... what you may not have realized is that if you dont beat infertility that is like the death of your children, or at least the death of the dream to have children. In no uncertain terms it is the death of your family.

It is easy for people to understand how having cancer consumes your life but people dont seem to quite understand how infertility does the exact same thing. I am a human pincushion. Every day I take tons of medications that make me feel awful. Everyday I am in pain. Everyday I feel lost. Everyday I pray that the fight will end. Everyday I am wondering what else I can do, what else I can change. Everyday I cry because I am so scared that I wont win this fight.

When you have cancer it is so hard to see how your disease is affecting the people you love, what will they do without you, will they be ok? When you are infertile you cant help but think of all the ones you love, do they resent you, the gifts you are taking from your husband, the gift you are taking from your parents to be grandparents, will my husband be ok without kids, will I be ok without kids?

When you have cancer its so hard to watch everyone around you be healthy and live normal lives. When you are infertile it is so hard to watch everyone else have what you dream of and get it easily and even take it for granted.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I have cancer. I feel like I am fighting for my life. I dont want a life without children. I dont want a life where I am so depressed and devastated all the time. I dont want to be jealous of other people. I dont want to cry. But, this is the hand I was dealt, so I fight. I fight because I dont know what else to do. I fight because I feel like I was wronged. I fight because I dont know how to give up. I am fighting and I am broken.

(I in NO way mean to say that infertility is worse than cancer. I am trying to explain the way that infertility makes a person feel and affects their life is similar to that of a person with cancer.)

ICLW & BLOG MAKEOVER!

If you are new to my blog then WELCOME!

Tonight I am unveiling this new blog look for all to see! I got a fabulous blog makeover from Giggly Girl Designs. Let me tell you that Alison is awesome and she helped me make my blog exactly like I wanted it. THANK YOU ALISON!

Check out the new tabs to see our TTC History, Current Cycle, Lingo, etc. I am hoping that all of these new features bring new followers and excite my current followers.

Hey, maybe this new facelift will bring my some luck in the baby making department, haha. I doubt it but one can hope!

ALSO- If you look to the left you will see that you can grab my button and add it to your blog to let more people find/read my blog! I would love it if you added it (if you dont mind!).

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like I am so broken that things will never be the same. Will I ever feel like im not the odd one out in the room? Will I ever see someone with their kids and not feel like a knife is being twisted in my heart? Will I ever be able to not feel awkward when babies or pregnancy is brought up?

Most of all, will it ever hurt less to hear "When are you guys going to have a baby? Are you trying?"...... HELL YEAH IM TRYING... IS TRYING SUPPOSED TO HELP?! How nice it would be to have one tiny bit of a say in when I have a baby! Do people actually get to have kids when it is convenient for them? Those are luxuries I will never know or feel. All I can wonder is "Will anything EVER work?".

will. anything. ever. work?

Its Hard to Hope

The truth is that there isn't much to look forward to after a failed IVF cycle. Its hard to not feel as though you have put everything possible into getting pregnant only to fail (again). So what now?

The chances if conceiving with an FET are cut in half from the chances that I had with a fresh cycle IVF. Knowing this, how am I supposed to think that this can work when why 75% success rate fresh cycle IVF didn't? It is next to impossible to convince myself that even though my fresh cycle failed my frozen cycle can succeed. Its hard to imagine it working because we still don't know why my fresh cycle failed; we have no reasons, nothing that we can fix or change.

The beauty of an FET is that it’s another shot, just when you were starting to think you were running out of chances.

The beauty of an FET is that maybe, just maybe, it could be your path to baby.

Dear Pillow

I wish we could have a couple weeks to just lay in bed.
Love, Lindsey

The Vivelle and Estrace are kicking my butt!

In other news, new blog makeover will be here soon and from the preview I have seen it looked AMAZING and I cant wait!!!

FET Update and some cooking!!!

I had my baseline ultrasound last friday for my FET cycle that has been going on FOREVER. My ovaries were quiet and I was ready to go!!! Saturday I started estrace supps and vivelle patches. All in all this means I am being loaded up with TONS of estrogen. Let me tell you something about estrogen... it makes you TIRED. I feel like I just ran a marathon and it takes soooo much effort to just get up off of my ass. Again this makes me wonder how its even possible for people to get pregnant the old fashioned way, then I remember how there are 10 pregnant girls on my street of 12 houses and I know its just me that sucks.

Vivelle patches get applied every other day and I put 4 on each time. I cannot put a patch where an old one was for a week! This means that I have to strategically place them because I will be running out of real estate quickly.



Today I went to my neighbor's funeral and burial and it was really tough. He was such a great guy and he will be missed. I worked a little bit after all those events then I came home and decided to do some therapeutic cooking. I love this food blog, The Girl Who Ate Everything, and I wanted to tackle her Taco Filled Braid Bread. So here is what I did:








It was wonderful and Justin loved it!!!

If a casserole could heal

This past wednesday we had a friend/neighbor pass away unexpectedly. He was the neighbor that everyone knew, the neighbor who sat in his driveway and waved every time you drove past his house, the neighbor who you couldnt help but love. The next day my friend, Sarah, and I decided to bake a casserole and take it over to his wife. I wish there was something that you could put in a casserole that could take all the hurt away if even just for a minute for her. How can you go on after losing a husband?!?! I cannot picture my life without Justin, I cannot picture how I would make it through every day without his support. There are things that I wish I could change about him (make him more emotional, make him vocal) but I cant imagine going through everything that I have been through in the last two years with anyone else. I feel so bad for my neighbor's wife, I cant imagine her pain.

Wouldnt it be great if there was magic in a casserole to heal broken hearts? I would eat them daily.

The Cherry On Top!

For the "Cherry On Top" Award:
1. Link to the person who gave it to you!
2. Pass it on to 5 more people!
3. Leave a comment on their blog telling them about it!


The 5 blogger that I would like to give this award to are:
1. Playground Duty @ http://playgroundduty.blogspot.com
2. {dish baby} @ http://dishbaby.blogspot.com
3. Its Always Something @ http://nikinikinine.blogspot.com
4. In Pursuit of Parenthood @ http://www.inpursuitofparenthood.com
5. One More Time, With Feeling @ http://oncewithfeeling.blogspot.com

New look and more new to come!

The background is new.... do you like it? It is just an interim background though because I have a fabulous blog designer working on a total facelift for my blog. I am SO excited. Soon I will have a bog button that you can put on your page (please!) to link people to my blog and get new readers! I will also have a blinkie for my message board posts. Those are just a few of the exciting things to come!!!! Keep checking back for my facelift!
<3

AF arrived

This morning when I woke up I felt crampy and just yucky. I thought to myself that it seemed like my period was coming but I didnt think I was supposed to have a period. Well (of course) an hour later at work AF arrived. I find myself perplexed because I dont even know if I am supposed to be having a period.

Now I know how funny this sounds but I mean it. They have me so hopped up on drugs that I dont know what is up or down with AF. I am on the lupron (and have been for about 2 weeks) and off of BCP since last friday so maybe I was supposed to have a period?! Who the heck knows!!!!!

All I know is that I have horrible cramps and I just wanna lay heaped up in a ball on the couch for a week. Wouldnt it be nice if that were actually an option???? Haha, NOT AN OPTION.

Up and Down

Right now I would call myself down. I keep having "bad IF days" over and over and over. Im not sure why but it has been really tough lately. I think it is probably for a number is reasons:
1. I am so scared for this FET
2. We are broke and have completely run out of options/ways to pay for IF treatments
3. Its scary to think that I dont know what will happen or when we will be able to cycle again if the FET doesnt work
4. How will I handle an unwanted break?
5. Are the frozen embryos chromosomally stronger than the ones we put back with our IVF?
6. Babies are everywhere and EVERYONE is having them except me (it seems like it anyways)
7. IF meds make me sad, mad, confused, TIRED and a mess
8. Doxy makes me puke and I am so tired of it!
9. Lupron makes me sooooo incredibly tired
10. Work has been really really bad lately

those are just a few.

Most heartbreaking moment of the week: Last night I looked over and saw JD holding Bella like a baby and talking to her and softly tickling her head and I thought what an amazing dad he would be and how much love he has to give and I may never be able to give it to him. Does he ever wish he was married to a girl who could give him a baby? Am I worth losing all of that?

Our 5 Day Chicago Trip

Let me start off by making this very clear, I LOVE CHICAGO. I love the big city feel. I love the restaurants. I love the museums. I love the shopping. I love it all. Although, if I lived there I wouldnt like grocery shopping. I decided this when I saw a poor girls lugging heavy groceries across town looking pained.

We went to Chicago because Justin attends the PackExpo and had to work sun, mon and tues. I like to tag along because as I previously stated, I love Chicago.

We drove to Chicago on Saturday. I was hungover from the night before and the first 2/3rds of the car trip was less than fun. Once we got close my excitement overpowered my stomach and I perked up to enjoy the traffic into the city. We stayed at the Best Western River North. It was a GREAT location. We were right across the street from Rock and Roll McDonalds and the Rainforest Cafe and Hard Rock Cafe. We were on Ohio Ave and if you walked west on Ohio about 5 to 6 blocks you would be standing on "THE Magnificent Mile".... aka shopping mecca and total heaven.


We checked into the hotel and showered quickly before going to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. Justin had never been there before so I just had to take him because I think its a pretty neat atmosphere.

After dinner we jumped in a taxi and headed up to meet my cousin at his friend's house party. We had to wear costumes for this night but we didnt want to redo our costumes from our party so we just wore scrubs =) We then went to another house party then went down to a bar in Wrigleyville!


On Sunday Justin had to work so we got up in the morning and went to breakfast in the hotel and then Justin left for the PackExpo. I watched some football and then decided it was time to head to THE Magnificent Mile. So, off I went. I walked there and just enjoyed the feel of the big city. I went in a bunch of stores and finally ended up in "Nordstrom Rack"..... let me tell you: ITS HEAVEN. Its like an outlet of designer clothing and accessories. They had BCBG, St John, Chanel.... they had it all!! After walking back to the hotel I decided to get cleaned up because that night Justin and I were going to a very fancy dinner with a business contact of Justin's. He was taking us to The Drake Hotel (extremely famous) and we were going to eat in The Cape Cod Room. We love seafood so we could not wait!!! Dinner was FABULOUS and we had a really nice time.

Afterwards we decided to walk home which was really fun! It was cold but we had out jackets so it was no big deal. The only bad part of this plan was that by the last bit of our multiple mile hike my 4 inch heels had RAVAGED my feet, but it was totally worth it. Here were some sights on the way back:



Monday I decided I was going to hang out at the hotel most of the day and nap because I had a headache. When I woke up Michigan Ave (the magnificent mile) was calling my name! I headed down and did a little bit of shopping before heading back to the hotel. Justin had work all day then a business dinner to go to that night so I made plans to go out to dinner with my cousin. We went to Goose Island, it is a brewery in Chicago. Justin met us there after he was done and we were just having drinks and watching monday night football. Then my cousin dropped us off at another bar where we were meeting another one of my cousins and his girlfriend. We had a really good time with them also.

Tuesday was a big day for me! I got up early and went for a day of sightseeing on my own because Justin was working AGAIN. I first went to Adler Planetarium:
Then I went to the Field Museum of Natural History which I LOVED.

On tuesday I also found out that I was accepted into my grad school program that I had applied to which was SO EXCITING! Justin and I decided that we would go out and celebrate that night so we went to Shaw's Crab House which is one the best and nicest seafood restaurants in Chicago. We had a great dinner and a wonderful night.

Wednesday we decided to get Portillo's for lunch (this was the hotdogs that you see pictured in the previous post). I venture to say that this is the best quick restaurant in Chicago. We were instantly addicted. Then we went to Shedd Aquarium (I LOVE aquariums) before headed on out car trip home.




Then, unfortunately, we had to come home.

Hello Chicago!!!

The morning after our halloween party we had to get up and leave for Chicago. I will be posting a halloween party post but I did not bring my camera cord so I cant upload the pictures. On that note, my camera hasnt been working well for about 5 months now... its always blurry and the flash acts funny. I have been trying to just deal with it and use my phone to take pictures but my phone cant take night pictures well. Justin actually suggested that I need a new camera! I was so happy!!!! I want to get one that can wirelessly link to my computer and upload my pictures without a cord, he said they make those now!

So, back to Chicago! We come here every other year for the PackExpo. Justin is a packaging engineer and this is his "crack/heaven" if you will. He looks forward to it and so do I because I LOVE CHICAGO! So, here I am, in Chicago. Here are some pictures from my phone thus far: