GOODbye 2010, Welcome 2011!

2010 has, by far, been the most difficult and painful year of my life thus far. Thinking back this year alone we have been through 7 attempted IUIs, a failed IVF w.ICSI and an FET. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant. I NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined that I could have such a tough year. The tears I shed in 2010 are uncountable. There was so much hope and so much failure. So much hurt and so much anger. I think that I almost lost myself last year and I know that because of 2010 I will never be the same. I will never be able to think of babies, pregnancy and life the way that I did before. I will never be able to relax and trust that things will work out. I will NEVER take things for granted. When I look back at 2010 I remember the bad, painful things first. Happy memories dont stick out in my mind, I know they happened but I dont think I was an "active"participant.

Just a week after we got our first +HPT I was with a friend and she said to me that she doesnt think she has ever seen me so happy. It occurred to me that I didnt know this friend before we started TTC back in april of 2009. It made me happy that she said this but I really didnt know what she meant. I felt like I did such a good job of pretending to be "ok", pretending to have fun, pretending to live when I didnt feel like I was living at all. I later told Justin what she said and asked him if I was really that different and he said something that broke my heart. He said that he cant remember the last time that he heard me really laugh (sober) and that I was miserable, that he thought that maybe he had lost me (not that I was going anywhere but that I wasnt the person he knew before) and that I seemed to be on autopilot. This absolutely broke my heart. I know that I felt miserable, I know that some days I didnt want to get out of bed or even face anyone and pretend to be ok, I know I felt that way but I didnt know how much it showed. The sad part of all this is that I LOVE TO LAUGH, I love to have fun. I have always been the non-serious type who likes to make people laugh and have fun (maybe too much). I cant believe how unconvincing my performance was, I guess.

Here I am, on december 30th 2011, and I will be 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am so happy and I feel like I am becoming "me" again. I laugh and I mean it, I smile and I mean it, and I live and feel like I am living. In 2011 I want to treasure every moment of this pregnancy because I may never be pregnant again. I want to treasure the friends who stuck by me through the worst year of my life because Im sure I wasnt fun to be around of talk to. I want to LIVE, unafraid and happy.

I am so thankful for the baby that is growing inside of me, the husband who went through this with me, the friends who stood by me, the family that supported me, the girls of the board and bloggers that inspired me and kept me going, and everyone who continues to be here with me. I want 2011 to be the best year of my life.

6w5d Ultrasound Pictures

A beautiful heartbeat beating away at 127bpm! It was so amazing to see it beating and hear it. Love you, Snowflake <3

Sickness & Christmas

The sunday before my first ultrasound I went to bed feeling perfectly fine around 10:30pm. At 12:00am I woke up with intolerable nausea. I thought to myself "If this is morning sickness I might die". At 12:30 I was vomiting veraciously every 10 minutes. Diarrhea (TMI) set in at about 2:30am. By 4o'clock in the morning I was completely dehydrated and feeling close to death so I told JD that I thought I needed to go to the ER. The truth is that I was really worried about being dehydrated and hurting snowflake. So, after begging for about an hour, he agreed and took me to the ER. When we got there they rushed me to a room and took my vitals. My blood pressure was 140/90 (WAY high for me... my usual is 110/55) and my pulse was over 100. They told me that I was severely dehydrated. They immediately started an IV but could get any blood drawn from it due to my poor veins so they started my fluids and sent the lab down to draw a bunch of blood. No biggie, I am used to that! They ended up giving me 2 liters of fluids and 2 full doses of Zofran to get me to stop vomiting because by the time I was at the hospital there was bloodin my vomit. I was there for a little over 4 hours I think and then I was released home with a script for Zofran. We got home and took a nap and within 45 minutes we woke up and Justin was vomiting. We were both MISERABLY sick and couldnt do anything for the whole day, not even leave bed.

We then had the ultrasound that I posted about before on that wednesday. Friday, Christmas Eve Day, we celebrated christmas with my parents. That morning my mom and I attempted our first hollandaise sauce and eggs benedict!

Breakfast turned out wonderful! After that we opened gifts and my favorite gift, the one I had been hoping for, was under the tree for me! MY SEWING MACHINE!!!!

I told my mom's parents that we are pregnant that day on the phone. They were very excited and my grandmother told me that she was beginning to think that she would never be a great-grandmother. I am so excited to give them their FIRST great-grandkid! Justin and I both got very nice gifts from my parents, they are so generous and we love them so much.

After gift opening we watched Christmas Vacation (my favorite!) and then my mom and I began cooking dinner. The menu consisted of salad, beef tenderloin with a shallot mustard glace, mashed potatoes, broccoli and rolls. Here are some pics of the tenderloin and sauce!

Here is a cute picture I took of JD and Bella that day:

Snowflake Sighting!

Today, December 22nd 2010, at 5weeks and 5days pregnant we got to see our little snowflake for the very first time. For the past 9 days I have been horribly nervous thinking "what if there is nothing in there?" but this morning I woke up, got ready for work and when I went outside to my car there were snowflakes falling from the sky (it wasnt even supposed to snow)!!!! I knew that everything would be ok.

Justin and I met at the RE's office and went in a little early. When they took me back they said not to be upset if there is no heartbeat yet because it is still very early and they dont expect to see one. Never hurts to hope though, right?

Dr.J came in (gosh I adore her!) and it was time for the u/s. Two seconds after inserting the probe she turned the screen towards up and there it was.........
SNOWFLAKE:


The black circle in the middle is amniotic fluid, the thick white ring around it is my placenta forming, and the white spec in the middle is the yolk sac and snowflake! Isnt it amazing?! No heartbeat was detected today but its early, we have another ultrasound next wednesday, @6w5d, and we should see it then!

We are so in love!

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant!

Today was the first day of my sixth week of pregnancy! We are so anxious for our ultrasound next week!!!! Here is what is going on:

Baby's now the size of a sweet pea!Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks, and chin. Those little hands and feet -- still webbed like paddles -- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Let me explain!

Pregnancy, like I already, knew is confusing. For example, your 5th week of pregnancy in from the 4w0d(4 weeks, zero days) until 4w6d. The day you hit 5 weeks starts your sixth week of pregnancy. Get it?

So I know that I am a little late posting this but here is what is going on in the fifth week of pregnancy:
Baby's now the size of an appleseed!
Your embryo, which doesn't look like much more than a tadpole right now, is actually starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). Baby's presence in your uterus triggers production of HCG (the hormone detected by pregnancy tests), which triggers the production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone, which triggers all those great symptoms you've probably been noticing!

Tomorrow is the last day of my 5th week of pregnancy and I will begin the 6th week. We are very excited to go in for our ultrasound next wednesday and see our little "Snowflake".

I added a new page (or tab) to my blog called "the baby" and this is where you can go to see the pregnancy tickers and the story of why we are calling the baby our Snowflake.

p.s. I know this sounds cheesy but I cant remember the last time I was this happy. I dont think I even realized how "down" and depressed I was before until I was in a different frame of mind.

Beta #3

My pee stick from this morning:

And my beta was 177!!!!!!! It almost tripled =) We are so so so so happy. We will have an ultrasound next wednesday at 5w5d!

A Whole New Set of Worries

I always thought that once we got pregnant we would be in a total state of bliss. Dont get me wrong, we are thrilled and ever so happy but at the same time we have a whole new set of worries.

Now we obsess over betas doubling, checking/watching for bleeding, obsessing over every feeling and just generally worrying. It is much more enjoyable worrying though =)

Today is 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant and I am having some early pregnancy symptoms (partially because of the PIO injections and the Vivelle Dot estrogen patches). I have been exhausted, thirsty, stomach has been upset especially in the evening, and my boobs are endlessly sore. I dont mind any of it!!!! Welcome pregnancy symptoms!!!!!!

Beta #2

Today I am 4 weeks, 1 day PREGNANT. I had to get up REALLLLLLY early this morning to go for beta #2 so I decided to POAS just to see if it got darker and here is what I saw:

LOVE IT!

So, off to beta we went. And I got the call just after noon that it was 60! They said that they wanted is to rise at least 68% which would have been 49 but its 60! We are very happy and very excited. Still cautious of course. I go back on monday morning for a repeat beta!

4 weeks PREGNANT!

Today I am 4 weeks pregnant! I am so thrilled and really nervous for my beta tomorrow to see that the number is doubling properly. Here is whats going on this week:

Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.
The primitive placenta is also made up of two layers at this point. Its cells are tunneling into the lining of your uterus, creating spaces for your blood to flow so that the developed placenta will be able to provide nutrients and oxygen to your growing baby when it starts to function at the end of this week.
Also present now are the amniotic sac, which will house your baby; the amniotic fluid, which will cushion her as she grows; and the yolk sac, which produces your baby's red blood cells and helps deliver nutrients to her until the placenta has developed and is ready to take over this duty.

Crafty McCrafterson

First off, I cannot believe that one (or both but I doubt it) of these blasts is implanted and growing inside of me. (If this is news to you read the post before this one!)

The other things that I thought I would share is a huge bruise that Justin gave me (not on purpose) on monday when he gave me my PIO shot. It bled like crazy, made a HUGE knot and bruised immediately... this is the bruise 2 days later:

On wednesday night Amie and I had sewing lesson #2! These nights are SO therapeutic for us and really give us a chance to laugh and just try to focus on something else (even though IF is never totally out of our minds). This time we made Christmas Stockings and let me say, I LOVE SEWING!!!! I cannot wait to get a sewing machine for Christmas =)

Love love love love love my Amie <3

Time for an update...

First of all let me say I am sorry to all my followers. I went dark this week and didnt post because I have been really unsure of how to feel and wasnt really ready to share all the details with everyone. But after much dismay and consideration I cant keep you girls waiting anymore so here it is:

On tuesday morning I woke up and POAS. This is what I saw:

Looks like a whole lot of nothing, but if you turn it just right in the light you can see an invisible pink like where there is normally an invisible white line. This could not possibly be more faint. I literally thought that it was just my eyes seeing things because they wanted to so badly. Well, I drove (with the stick) to my friend Ashley's house because I knew she had a faint one when she got pregnant with her son and I wanted to see if she saw it to. I got there and told her that I was pretty sure my mind was playing tricks on me because in the car I didnt see it anymore really. Well..... she saw it too but it was ever so faint. This made me decide that I was not going to pee allllll day while I was at work and I would only have one drink and I would go home after work and pee in a cup (tmi I know) and then I could do another FRER and a digital also.

Justin wanted me to wait till he got home so I did. The FRER must have not been dipped long enough because there was no second line and the control line was really really light. Then I dipped a digital and this is what I saw:

This made both of us really excited but at the same time very nervous by the extremely light line on the FRER. It really is sad that when you deal with IF you are

robbed of the joy of a +HPT because you know its not that simple. We know we are high risk, we know we can get a chemical pregnancy, we know it might be a low beta that puts us through hell. But at this point we are at OMG ITS POSITIVE. That has only happened once and it was trigger still and we had to trigger to positive means positive.

Justin had to go coach hockey that night so I stayed home and ran my brain crazy with thinking. When Justin got home he brought me flowers and said "Happy first day being a MOM". He is so hopeful and I love this about him.

On wednesday morning I woke up and POAS again (of course because I am a crackhead once I start) and got a slightly better line but it was still SUPER light.

On thursday morning I was SURE that I was going to get a good dark line, and I didnt. Another faint line. At this point I am very worried. This could mean that I have a really really low beta (or HCG level) which would indicate a chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that ends in m/c before it really even starts). I couldnt get this off my mind so after a little shove from Amie I decided to call the nurse at my REs office.

I called and talked with her and she made me feel so much better. Of course I should say that she always does, I adore this nurse and always enjoy getting to see her and talk to her. So after talking with her I felt better about my HPTs and I knew that I would survive till tomorrow morning for beta (friday morning). Then, LUCKILY, my patient whose house I had just got to wasnt home and as soon as I got back in my car my phone was ringing. It was the nurse calling back to see if I could get to the office by noon. HECK YES I CAN! (haha). She said that Dr.J asked her what I said and said to have me come in (oh how I love Dr.J!!!!!). So off to the office I went. I got the blood drawn and got to see the nurse, Dr.J, and the blood draw nurse all of whom I really like. Today make me remember, once again, how unbelievably thankful and happy I am that I switched to this new Dr and office. They are the best group of people a girl could ask for =) They said that I would have results this afternoon so now it was the dreaded wait!

A few minutes before three my phone rang.... the nurse told me my beta came back positive and that I am PREGNANT! The beta came back at 29. This is low but we tested a day early. They like to see it above 50 at 14dpo and today was 13dpo. So now its a waiting game to see what the results tell us on saturday. They want to see a 68% rise, im pretty sure she said 68. The nurse was really positive and happy and I am too. I am also terrified and really worried about this number getting the proper rise. 29 is not at all what I wanted to hear but at the same time I AM PREGNANT. Tomorrow I will be 4 weeks pregnant.

Today I am pregnant. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be my sticky baby and let my betas double correctly.

I am sorry I havent told everyone yet. Its just scary to tell people and make it "real" before we know it is real. Its hard because people who havent dealt with IF will hear that it was positive and think that everything is great now and all is solved and its not, YET. We arent out of the woods.... we dont even know where the woods are yet but let me tell you WE ARE OUT LOOKING FOR THEM!

The Crackhead and her Sweet Husband!

Let me start off my saying that HPTs are like crack for me, once I start I just cant stop peeing on them!!!! Took one this morning and one after work and both negative... its still kinda early so I will keep trying each morning!

Here are some photos to keep you entertained: I have literally been outfitting my feet in penguins as much as possible and its easy because they are super cute!

Tonight I went to dinner with Amie, Ashley & Brady (who will be 3 weeks old tomorrow). I just adore these girls and cant get enough of them. We have such a good time when we get together. We were at Brio for 3 hours tonight and it felt like it wasnt nearly that long. Brady is precious, I love newborns... so sweet and they sleep with their cute little hands by their faces. When I came home from dinner this is what I saw:

My wonderful husband cleaned the garage up so that I can park in it and keep my car clean and warm! I was SOOOOO happy to see this and I am so excited to park in there. I have only parked in there a handful of times since we moved here 1 year and 8 months ago.

We have been featured

on Spotlight on Infertility! Just click here and head on over to "The Domestic Princess".

Go check it out =)

Compiling my thoughts

First of all I finished bedrest half way through today and I was so excited just to walk around. DH and I went to get something to eat and then we did go to the store and buy TONS of HPTs.

After coming back home I held off about an hour then decided it was time to POAS. Now, I know that 3dp6dt is very early but I was ready to see the negative if it showed up because I know it was early. So I peed on it and....

It was negative.

Thats ok, it didnt bother me to see it. I figured it was too early to show up so I will try again in the morning with FMU (first morning urine) since its the most potent with HcG. I have a feeling that this cycle is it so I didnt lose any hope today!

Tonight we went to a movie with Amie and Chris and had a really nice time, the movie was really good too. We saw The Next 3 Days and I would definitely recommend seeing it!

My brain is in high gear tonight and I have some thoughts that I just want to get out, so here is goes.

Recently I had someone tell me that I was fearless and that they "dont know how I do it". Well I am kind of used to hearing people say that they dont know how I do it, I dont know how I do it. I never thought I could do all this. I guess my response to that is that you do what you have to do when you have to do it. I am doing things I never thought possible.

The part of this that confused me was when she said that I was FEARLESS. I dont feel fearless, I feel like I am scared all the time. I live in fear. Fear of failing, fear of never being a mother, fear of never being happy again, fear of fear. After pondering this for a few days I realized this: Being fearless does not mean that you fear nothing... it means that you face the things you fear most and confront them head on. I do that. It is the first time that I realized that I am fearless. I am doing things I never believed possible. I fight against the thing that scares me most every. single. day.

"If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless"

Today I was so happy. When Justin and I were out and driving to the store I actually thought to myself that I couldnt remember the last time I was this happy. It was a feeling of hope, joy, relief, NORMALCY. I felt normal. Then I got to thinking. I think if this FET fails I may never be this happy again.... ever. There will be nothing "new" to try. I will never be this hopeful again. What if I am never happy again? After feeling the rush today I cant imagine a life without that feeling.

One thing I can say is that we will always be able to say that we tried everything, we did everything, we never gave up. We have given this everything that we have; our hearts, our bodies, our money, everything. My mom often asks me if all this money is worth it, if all this debt that it seems we are buried under is worth it. I can tell you this: IT IS WORTH IT. Ever dollar we spend is worth it, every tear is worth it, every miserable desolate fall is worth it because in the end we MIGHT get to be parents. Anything is worth that chance.

Executive Decision.

I have decided to go back to the dark side and POAS this cycle. I have not peed on pregnancy test since June when I got a false positive and it literally about killed me getting that negative beta the next day. BUT, with an FET there is no trigger injection therefor no risk of getting a false positive. Today I am off to Walmart to stockpile HPTs!

Another day of bedrest

Todays agenda:
Wake up freaking out because I forgot to put on my 2 new estrogen patches last night
Put patches on
Have heart attack
Watch football in bed
Lunch while laying on the family room couch
Laid on the family room couch and watch Celebrity Rehab
Laid on the bonus room couch and watch DH play video games
Laid on the bonus room couch and watch football
PIO
Friends (Kelli and Matt) came over and we watched football and order pizza for dinner
Played monopoly
Now laying in bed getting ready to do my football picks for the games tomorrow and fix my fantasy teams (yes, I have a football problem).

I WANT TO GO FOR A JOG... AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNUGGLE IN LITTLE ONES, I really need you to be my christmas miracles.

Bedrest

IS SO BORING! I mean I am going crazy here people.

Today I:
laid in bed

watched "Julie and Julia"- this very cute by the way!

laid on the bonus room couch

ate chinese delivery

watched a couple episodes of Brew Masters (which is a really cool new show)

took a nap

laid on the family room couch

did PIO shot and laid on heating pad (OUCH!)

watched "Up"- also cute but im not really a cartoon person.

ate lasagna and salad my mom cooked and brought over for us to bake and eat.

watched JD play video games while laying on the bonus room couch.

now, we are laying in bed and watching "Angels and Demons" but im not paying good attention so I am lost.

Overall, I laid a lot and my back is killing me... I just wanna get up and go for a walk around the neighborhood but I cant because I am trying to get these babies to implant and stay for the long haul.

p.s. I love all you readers and really appreciate your comments =)

Looking forward to: KELLI AND MATT COMING OVER TOMORROW NIGHT TO HANG OUT with JD and I while I am still on bedrest. Thank goodness for good friends!

Christmas Decor

Since I am on bedrest and cant really do anything I thought I would post some pictures of our christmas decorations! I love to decorate for each season/holiday. This is something that my mother-in-law started me on. She decorates EVERYTHING in her house for the season. So without further ado here is some of my christmas decor:

Family Room:

Kitchen:

Front Hallway/Entranceway:

Bonus Room/Penn State Room:

Gotta have a PSU tree =)