GOODbye 2010, Welcome 2011!

2010 has, by far, been the most difficult and painful year of my life thus far. Thinking back this year alone we have been through 7 attempted IUIs, a failed IVF w.ICSI and an FET. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant. I NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined that I could have such a tough year. The tears I shed in 2010 are uncountable. There was so much hope and so much failure. So much hurt and so much anger. I think that I almost lost myself last year and I know that because of 2010 I will never be the same. I will never be able to think of babies, pregnancy and life the way that I did before. I will never be able to relax and trust that things will work out. I will NEVER take things for granted. When I look back at 2010 I remember the bad, painful things first. Happy memories dont stick out in my mind, I know they happened but I dont think I was an "active"participant.

Just a week after we got our first +HPT I was with a friend and she said to me that she doesnt think she has ever seen me so happy. It occurred to me that I didnt know this friend before we started TTC back in april of 2009. It made me happy that she said this but I really didnt know what she meant. I felt like I did such a good job of pretending to be "ok", pretending to have fun, pretending to live when I didnt feel like I was living at all. I later told Justin what she said and asked him if I was really that different and he said something that broke my heart. He said that he cant remember the last time that he heard me really laugh (sober) and that I was miserable, that he thought that maybe he had lost me (not that I was going anywhere but that I wasnt the person he knew before) and that I seemed to be on autopilot. This absolutely broke my heart. I know that I felt miserable, I know that some days I didnt want to get out of bed or even face anyone and pretend to be ok, I know I felt that way but I didnt know how much it showed. The sad part of all this is that I LOVE TO LAUGH, I love to have fun. I have always been the non-serious type who likes to make people laugh and have fun (maybe too much). I cant believe how unconvincing my performance was, I guess.

Here I am, on december 30th 2011, and I will be 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am so happy and I feel like I am becoming "me" again. I laugh and I mean it, I smile and I mean it, and I live and feel like I am living. In 2011 I want to treasure every moment of this pregnancy because I may never be pregnant again. I want to treasure the friends who stuck by me through the worst year of my life because Im sure I wasnt fun to be around of talk to. I want to LIVE, unafraid and happy.

I am so thankful for the baby that is growing inside of me, the husband who went through this with me, the friends who stood by me, the family that supported me, the girls of the board and bloggers that inspired me and kept me going, and everyone who continues to be here with me. I want 2011 to be the best year of my life.