Cancelled

IUI#4 got cancelled. Follies scan was terrible. I will update later.... I dont even want to talk (type) about it right now =( IM SO SICK OF GETTING MY HOPES UP AND THEN BEING DEVASTATED!

Just another manic monday

Some days I question whether my boss cares about my safety! Some of the places that he sends me are so sketchy!

I have my follie scan on wednesday and I am getting really really nervous to see what ive got cooking in there. Im worried to get no large or mature follies like with IUI#1. DH is actually in town this week and I think that I might have him come with me, he has not seen a follie scan with me. IT IS SO NICE HAVING HIM HERE even though he drives me crazy at times ;) (love you hunnie).

One of the girls who is extremely active and helpful on the IF board got a positive beta today!!!!! (Congrats if you are reading) It gives me such hope! She is such a wonderful and supportive girl who deserves this so much. Its times like that that I remember there is a goal to all of this pain and suffering.

IUI#3

Im getting super excited for IUI #3.... Im trying not to get my hopes up but here they come creeping up! =) Follie scan on wednesday *grow follies, grow"!!!

Dear Clomid,

why must you prevent me from sleeping with your rampant hot flashes and middle of the night pain/cramping/stomach aching?!

I desperately want some good sleep but cant seem to get any! I have to say that I would be willing to try any medication to get a month off of the Clomid. I know that everyone responds differently to it but I dont react well. I have now had a constant headache for 9 days and am considering beheading myself (not really.....yet). I am ready for it to be wednesday so I can see what is cooking in these dysfunctional ovaries of mine. I think once I reach that point, if I have good follies, it will seem worth it and I will be able to deal better.... plus I usually dont have as many headaches by that point.

I went and picked up my syringes that the pharmacy had to order for me. The girl working there said to me "We have to order them for you.... you are like the only person that brings in prescriptions for them here!" I was thinking and actually said "Oh, lucky me." They came in and I picked them up and all is ready and waiting for trigger now.

Justin is home and it is SO nice to have him here. I indulged in some more garden therapy yesterday. Heres what we did:

We planted a weeping willow in the backyard in an area that has lots of moist soil and water (a low spot).

I got some phlox to make a pretty bed around my mailbox.

I got a hanging pot of GORGEOUS fuchsia but then got home and realized that they are for total shade (we dont have any shade) OOPS!

And I got a new perennial to put somewhere, haven't decided where yet. I also pruned my hydrangea and peonies and weeded our veggie garden. I love working in the yard.... helps me destress!

Happy

Justin is home =) Its so nice to have him here! No post tonight.... just hubby time.
Goodnight all!

Welcome ICLW!

Welcome! To give you a little background my blog is about the struggles that my husband and I go through everyday trying to cope with infertility. Feel free to follow my blog if you would like and I would love to follow yours too!

This is my first time doing ICLW and I have already been connected with so many blogs that I cant relate to! What a fun experience!

Monatony

Sometimes I feel like all my days run together... I think about the same things when I wake up, when I am working, when I am on the couch and when I am waiting to fall asleep at night. "WHY?!" I hate unanswerable questions. If is one of those things that completely consumes you. I would do anything to just clear my mind for an hour and think about other things.

Today is CD 8. I am done with my Clomid dose, thank god. I am so tired of having a CONSTANT THROBBING HEADACHE! I am tired, moody, and I think the hot flashes would make menopause feel like Antarctica. Now I am coasting till my ultrasound follie check next wednesday.

Justin is gone again. 3 out of the last 4 weeks he has been gone and I cant wait to just see him and spend 2 weeks with him.... if a trip doesn't pop up of course.

I cant believe that IUI#3 is underway.... I know I have said this before but I CANT BELIEVE IT HAS GONE THIS FAR.

I would die for that

something that someone showed me

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

(turn sound on)

Infertility Awareness Week

Infertility Awareness Week is April 24th - May 1st.
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
-They will eventually conceive a baby.
-They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
-They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

We are OPEN for business

When I arrived at the hospital I had to wait for about 30 minutes before they registered me. I figured that I should go to the bathroom before my procedure because I had heard other women say be sure to empty your bladder. So, I went to find the bathroom and the women's room was "OUT OF ORDER". GREAT. So I waited and registered and then asked the girl who registered me where I could go to the bathroom since the women's room was out of order and she said that in the changing room that they will take me to there is a bathroom. I then sat in a different waiting room and waited to be taken back to the changing room. When the a nurse came out and got me she took me back to the changing room and gave me a hospital gown and robe and told me to go ahead and change and someone would come and get me. I changed and then went to go pee only to find that the only toilet was clogged, full of brown water, and smelly. GREAT. So I waited a few more minutes for the radiology nurse to come get me. I asked her where I could go to the bathroom since the lobby one was out of order and the one in there was clogged and nasty and she said there was a small bathroom in the procedure room/OR. So we got in there and I was like "thank god!" I didnt really have to pee but I wanted to make sure that my bladder was empty since everyone told me it should be. So I went to the bathroom and then went to wash my hands and there was no soap in the dispenser. SCREW YOU OHIO HEALTH. I am going to pay upwards of $1,600.00 for this shit! I thought that was terrible.

The procedure went well. I am not going to lie, IT HURT. I guess I just tell myself that the pain is worth it. NO PAIN NO GAIN! My RE walked in and shook my hand (as usual) and said "Hello Danielle". Im sorry but I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars with you and been seeing you since like november!? it really upset me but whatever. He warned me that the hospital speculum was bigger than the one in his office but I thought "how different could it be?" Well let me tell you.... it was different!!!! It KILLED. As usual my cervix wouldnt cooperate and it took him a lot of pushing and moving to get to work. DARN CERVIX! Then they put some sort of clamp, or as the RE called it a "pincher", on my cervix which makes you clamp down and cramp immediately. They use betadine and sterilize your insides then they insert the catheter and they start injecting dye which basically feels like a constant sharp cramp. They let me watch the screen with them and walked me through it and showed me everything which helped the pain pass faster. Overall, its done!!!!!!! thank goodness.

HSG today

Is it weird that I dont even know what I want the results to be. I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep last night and I realized I will be disappointed with either results I think. On one hand if my tubes are clear then that is one less obstacle to overcome and generally good news but on the other hand if one/both are blocked then we know a cause and it might be fixable. Its weird to think I am going to be lying there on the table not knowing what to be hoping for. I cant sit there and be thinking "PLEASE LET IT BE _________!" because I dont know how to fill that blank in. So I guess I just wont hope and I will wait and see what happens. And by all means, PLEASE Lindsey dont cry in front of your RE again.

Today was good...

until tonight. I cant stop being upset that Justin is leaving. I normally do really good with his business trips but I think that there have just been SO many lately and SO much has been going on on the IF-front. Im also really sad that after my HSG tomorrow I will be lying on the couch all day waiting for noone to come home =( Its going to be a long week.

Again I ask; WHEN WILL MY TEAR DUCTS CRY UP AND FALL OUT?! I think I have hit my quota for this decade.

Garden Therapy

Today I decided that I needed to do something to get out of my funk! Justin and I went out to lunch and decided to stop by a gardening center and get some flowers for me to pot for the porch. Needless to say I found way more than we went for, as always. I think Justin was less than excited to spend a day working in the yard but he obliged, such a great guy =)
Heres where the yard looked like last year:

All of the porch flowers were annuals and died off so we had to replenish =)

Here are the dwarf alberta pines that I put in pots by the front door:


A pot of Dahlias (which i LOVE):


We planted a new tree in the front yard that has REALLY pretty pink flowers on it:


and a few other:



I also pulled weeds in the flower beds.... one of them LITERALLY had a 2 inch diameter root, I showed Justin and he could NOT believe it! Overall garden therapy went well.

Now we are relaxing and I am mostly sad thinking that he will be gone all week again..... im so tired of him being gone. I have to be at the hospital at 1pm tomorrow for my HSG etc. Hope all goes well. I will be extra sad to come home to an empty house with no Justin in it.

Consultation Day

I dont really have the energy to go through my whole day but I will say this.... I am having an HSG on monday and IUI#3 has the same medication protocol that IUI#2 does. I am anxious and cautiously happy to be on to the next cycle. The only thing that is helping me get thru last cycle is that this one is already underway. I start meds tonight.... blah.... bring on the headaches, night sweats, hot flashes, vivid nightmares, and general crappy feelings.

I was totally embarrassed that I cried in Dr.W's office today. He told me that it was ok and he knows im on an emotional roller coaster but I felt so out of control. I probably cried about 10 or 12 times today.... better than yesterday when I probably cried 20 times. When will my tear ducts dry up and just quit? I feel like I have a constant pain in my chest.... almost a broken heart feeling and I just wish it would go away for a little bit. Overall, IF sucks and hurts. I have never felt so helpless and overwhelmed. I cant get it out of my mind.... its constantly there and I cant completely clear my mind. I lay in bed every night thinking for hours before I can even attempt sleep. Advil PM has become a dear friend of mine.

When I went to pick up meds today at the pharmacy I also bought the biggest bottle of Advil Liquigels that I have ever seen.... I think that I scared the girl who rang me out. She must have thought "Damn, this girl must get some serious headaches." She just looked at me and I refused to explain. If only they sold a giant bottle of pills for emotional pain and loss of control then I would be buying stock in them.

bedtime.... more to come tomorrow

p.s. when can I have fun again? I miss being the happy me that laughs and means it.... now I just laugh where appropriate.

"Here's to trusting that the end is worth it and never letting go of it's promise."

I heard this quote today and it spoke volumes to me. I know that the end is worth it if I end up looking into the eyes of a child who calls me "mom". I know that wherever this journey takes me it is worth all the effort. Dont get me wrong, it is a hard, painful, and frustrating road but when you have no other choice it is all you know.

If I got pregnant the first time that we tried would I REALLY know how badly I wanted to be a mom and how much it means to me? I dont think so. I dont think that I would have treasured a child quite the way that I will now had I not had to try so hard.

Today I called Dr.W's office to request a consultation before this next cycle of meds starts. Since AF came to town yesterday (wednesday) CD3 will be tomorrow. I normally start my Clomid on CD3 so I wanted to make sure to get to the Dr ASAP. I have so many questions for him about where we are going... what our long term plan is. I also need to discuss with him the HSG that I have been putting off. I think its time to buckle down and spend the $1.600 plus dollars. The only thing about it that scares me (besides the horror stories I hear about HSGs) is that it would be on tuesday and Justin will be out of town. Who will check me out of the hospital and listen to be bitch and moan all day?! Darn traveling hubby! He is probably so happy that he might miss this event and my whining. But hey, its what he signed up for when he married me! =)

With all this being said I feel like I am overwhelmed beyond belief. Last cycle didnt even really end before this one began. AF showed up at 12dpIUI when it should have been 14dpIUI or later. Last cycle AF never showed up and I had to take meds to start it so I had about 3 weeks to prepare myself (because I found out it was a BFN at 7dpIUI when they said I didnt ovulate). So this time AF showed up about 4 hours after I got my BFN..... I was still laying in bed crying when she came to town and trust me, it was more than I could handle. So here I am rushing into the next cycle without even being sure that we are on the right track. Thank goodness I get to go in and talk with my RE tomorrow before I take my meds.

On the bright side, DH got to come home a day early from his trip so he is here and I am so thankful to have him home =) He will get to go to my appointment with me which will be great.... sometimes I just need to know that he is on the same page and that Im not going through it alone.

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

-Unknown

Everything hurts

Do I sounds crazy when I say that everything hurts? My head is throbbing and my eyelids hurt to hold open. I feel like my eyes are on fire and I just wanna lay here and not move. Why did I convince myself that this was it????? I set myself up for this disappointment but I was so unprepared. A couple hours after my BFN I started having terrible cramps. I texted DH and told him that our baby isnt in my tummy. He actually turned his phone on at some point and saw it because he called me during lunch. I couldnt even get the words out.... I felt like I was breaking his heart like that damn pregnancy test did to me this morning. I know he hates it when I cry to him on the phone but today he didnt even tell me to stop crying I think he just understood. I know that he is beginning to think that nothing will work. I feel like my body is taking something away from him.... like im taking away his right to have kids. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I just wanna crawl in a hole for about a week and not move.

Lost

12dpIUI =BFN. I feel lost, devastated, disappointed, let down, confused, angry, hurt, sad, mad, hopeless and broken. This was my best cycle yet and it didnt work?! How am I supposed to have any hope. This constant battle to pull yourself out of a dark place, feeling like crap with meds and procedures, forcing yourself into having hope, convincing yourself this is it, and having your dreams smashed gets really old. How many times can you peel yourself up off the floor and try again? How many times can you cry so hard you can breathe? How many times can you convince yourself there is hope before realizing that there isnt? How many credit cards and loans can you take out to cover the cost of trying to get what other people get for free?

I dont know what the next step is and I dont even know if I am ready for the next step.

Oops I did it again...

I POAS this morning, BAD LINDSEY! It was negative. My whole outlook on it changed today and I am pretty convinced that this IUI didnt work for me. Why?! What is wrong with me that I cant get pregnant on the best cycle I have had so far. Will it ever work? Will I ever be a mom? I wish I had these answers.......

Justin is out of town all the time it seems and I am getting really tired of doing it all alone, its hard enough in the first place without being separated. I know that if he had the choice he wouldnt travel as much as he does so im not upset with him more so with his job.

He is going to be gone all this week (left monday morning at 4am) and all of next week. This week he is in Pittsburgh PA which is only about a 3 to 3.5 hour drive from our house. Since I dont have to work wednesday this week I decided that I would go visit him and we could have a date night on tuesday night and then I wanted to see my friend, Nici, tomorrow if she wasnt working. Well I got here and it was so nice to see him! We went to the Haufbrauhaus which was a REALLY neat experience.... he tried their hefeweizen, a wheat beer, and we tried lots of different German food. I had a really good time. I found out that Nici has to work tomorrow but said that she wanted to go for drinks tomorrow night so I have decided to stay till thursday morning and drive straight to work. Anyways, I will probably POAS again tomorrow just to agonize myself further, BLAH! Off to watch tv and spend time with JD.

Goodnight All!

Oopsie daisies...

Last night I tossed around the idea of POAS this morning but I promised myself that wouldnt. I really really decided not to. Well this morning when I woke up I POAS.... BOOOOO! Why did I have to start the marathon so soon? I was only 10dpIUI and I wanted to start on 12dpIUI because if you POAS on 14dpIUI it is supposed to be totally accurate. Well, it was negative but I used a really junky one that had blue lines. From what I hear the pink dye ones are the most sensitive and the digital really should wait till 14dpIUI to be used. I am hoping that it was just negative because it was too early for the HCG to be detected.

Somehow my brain has really convinced me that this cycle worked and I think I am setting myself up to be REALLY REALLY devastated. Why do I do this?! I am planning on waiting to test again on wednesday but I find myself wanting to use a pink dye one in the morning. Like I said before..... Let the POAS marathon begin!

IF sucks.

"I think of you who try and wait and lose only to pick yourselves up and start all over again- month after month after month and I am in awe of your strength." I dont know how long I can do it, IF may win this battle.

Happy Birthday

to me..... I had dinner with my parents and husband last night and the waiter brought me a dessert with a candle on it. Hmm, I wonder what I wished for?! We had a wonderful dinner at Hyde Park last night and it was nice to get to spend some time with my family. We went back to my parents house after dinner for cake and presents. My DH got me a sterling silver Pandora bracelet and a blue and white glass bead for the bracelet. My parents got me a bead for my bracelet and also the Vera Bradley laptop case that I asked for =) My mom put a candle on the cake she got me and guess what I wished for again?! Maybe 2nd time is the charm. Now its actually my bday and I am going to spend the rest of today getting ready for the "Ugly Wig Party" we are hosting tonight. Pictures to come!!!!

A POAS marathon it shall be

At about 8:15 this morning I woke up to my phone ringing. I saw that it was my REs office so I answered. My Progesterone came back around 22 (I cant remember the exact number because I was so flustered). YAY!!!! This is the best result I have gotten to date and I am thrilled! That means that I ovulated and should have had 2 good mature eggs in there..... I hope those spermies are doing their job. So what all of this really means is I am going to be POAS like crazy next week, I try to restrain but I can never help myself. I want to try and make it to wednesday before I test the first time, that will be 12dpIUI and the earliest the trigger is out and the results can be accurate I think.

This is the first time this cycle that I really have hope. Before I was just waiting for this blood test and now that I passed that hurdle Im back to the waiting...ahhhhh it is maddening. I was so excited this morning that I couldnt go back to bed, so here I am on my computer =)

What NOT to say to someone with IF

I stole this from a girl on the IF board because no matter how many times I read it I laugh out loud! So, ENJOY!

"Just Relax."
Thanks for that gem! So useful and helpful to my situation.
I'll tell you this: the first 6 months, I was SO relaxed. I was Al Bundy, hands down my pants while sippin a brewsky and watching TV, relaxed. Guess what? That didn't make me pregnant! I know, hard to believe, right?!

"Just get really drunk, then do it!"
You're probably right! I bet alcohol really kicks the old reproductive plumbing into gear! I bet all the infertility drug companies are marketing Absolut in pill form as Clomid and charging all us dumbass infertiles triple. *** geniuses!
Just because someone you know, or a friend of a friend of a sister's brother in law got pregnant at a massive kegger, doesn't mean that it was the alcohol. It was the fact that she forgot to take her pill and didn't make the guy wear a condom. I know it sounds really OUT THERE, but trust me.

"Just Adopt! As soon as you do, you'll get pregnant!"
Wha wha what?? I really don't see the relation between making the decision to adopt and getting pregnant. If you're thinking it would make me relax, you're wrong (and also, relaxation does not a baby make. See above).


"Try *this* position!"
Really? I've tried top, bottom, top then bottom, bottom then top, froggy style, doggy style, wheel-barrow, reverse cowgirl, from the side, and in the ear. I've been screwed 7ways to Sunday until the cows came home, put on their pajamas and watched Leno. None of them have worked so far, but I bet THAT position will do it!


"Stand on your head after sex."
Hey, I'll try that! I'll also make sure to kick you in the face, after I recover from my very serious neck injury and my chiropractor says I can kick people in the face again.


"Go on vacation!"
You could be correct. First, I will try relaxing. If that doesn't work, I will spend a ton of money on a vacation. It must be the magical combination of sand crotch and semen and friction. It doesn't even matter when you go - I've heard that you automatically ovulate every day at noon in Cancun. Siesta my ass! They're all making babies!


"Put eggwhites in your vagina"
You're gross. Don't talk to me ever again. Ever. Also, don't ever plan on getting pregnant, because your husband will permenantly lose the ability to create an erection after you suggest this.


"Have more sex!"
Really? Sex makes babies? I TOTALLY wasted that $5000 deposit at Storkbabydelivery.com. I better get a refund! I wonder if they are a BBB member??

"Have fun trying!"
Ok, even I know this is innocent. I know people say this because they are uncomfortable and are trying to be positive. But it's obnoxious. If you say this, stop immediately.

"I wish I could give you some of my fertility, because I. Am. Fertile!"
This could be best shown by example, I think.
What? You lost both of your legs in a tragic sledding accident? Wow! I wish I could share my legs with you, because I have TWO and I am so lazy. I hate walking around. I would sit all the time if I could, but I just have so damn many legs!
*do you see what I did there? rubbed my legs in your stump-a$$ face?*
Please do not rub your fertility in my face. I think you're an a*hole, and I keep that to myself. Also, I think your ass looks fat in those pants, yet I refrain. Please: return the favor.

"When are you going to start a family?"
AKA: When are you going to have kids? When are you going to get pregnant already? Have you started trying for a baby? Why not? Tick tock!
Oh my sweet baby jesus christ! If there was an Emmy for nosiest motherf*er, you would win! Ask once, and if you don't get an answer, then TAKE A HINT!


Here's the bottom line: The only right thing to say is "I'm sorry, that really sucks. I hope it happens for you soon." It also doesn't hurt to just listen

Hope this put a smile on your face, made you laugh out loud, put a little sunshine into your day and sorry if it offended anyone

Announcing: The Human Pincushion

I went and had my blood work drawn today. I have terrible veins and only one that anyone can ever get blood from. It is RARE for anyone to get me on the first try. Well, today was no exception. I literally showed the nurse where my vein was, told her what kind of needle works best on me, and had to walk her through it. You work at a lab.... dont you draw blood all day? I dont really mind because at one point in my life I was the one learning but she was no student. The blood finally was taken and I will get my progesterone level back tomorrow. I am TERRIFIED. After my first IUI I thought that I was just waiting that 2 weeks to see my BFP! Each time I start a new treatment I think that it must be the answer. Well my labs came back at 8dpIUI (8 days post IUI) worse than any labs I had ever had.... these labs showed that there was NO WAY that I ovulated. This means the IUI was all for not. It was so hard for me to accept and I was devastated so needless to say I am petrified to hear these results. I hope I can get some sleep tonight....

Why does there have to be such a thing as infertility? Why is it that women who dont want babies get pregnant "by accident" and women that desperately want to be mothers cant? IF is exhausting, painful, maddening, and EXPENSIVE. We have spent almost TEN THOUSAND dollars on meds and tests and treatments thus far. Our bank account and savings has depleted and we fight about money because we have none. It just doesnt seem fair. Why me? Why anyone?

I feel like all I see is pregnant women and babies. i want to be one of those women =(

Rough Morning

Well like I said yesterday "Hopeful days are few and far between". I woke up today only wanting to cry and lay in bed. I find myself terrified that if we were to get pregnant that we would miscarry. Most of the women I know on the IF board have had multiple miscarriages and this makes me think that there is no way that I can go through all of this without any. I have never even seen that darn second line on a pregnancy test... I dont even know what it looks like. I think that day (if there is a day) when I see one I will be as scared as I am happy. With the luck that I seem to have how could I skip all the miscarriages that seem to go hand in hand with IF?

My brain is going a million miles a minute today. I woke TWICE during the night to pee, and I NEVER wake up to pee in the night. So, of course it got me thinking "well maybe im pregnant!". Now, that being said, I am only 5dpIUI and it is really too soon to be having any symptoms/signs of pregnancy but what could cause that?! I wish my brain would just stop thinking about it all together.

It is kind of overcast and gloomy outside which feels appropriate for my mood and we are supposed to have thunderstorms today, which I LOVE. I hope they come soon.

All the meds that I take come with a laundry-list of side-effects. Let me list a few:

~ Mood Swings- check!

~ Weight Gain- double check! how can I eat so little and gain weight?

~ Headaches- I cant remember the last time I didnt have a headache

~ Nausea- Yep.

~ Hot Flashes- So intense you want a fire hose to dowse you in freezing cold water. and sleep.... dream on.

~ Insomnia- constant tossing and turning has totally made me want a bigger bed.

~ Rapid Hair Growth- just had to get my hair cut yesterday.

~ Cramping- not always but sometimes (thank goodness!)

~ There are a million more but I dont have the energy to go through them

So on an average day when someone asks me how I feel if I were to tell the truth I would say "Well I didnt sleep last night and had hot flashes like you have never experienced and I constantly feel like I am going to vomit. My head feels like someone is playing the drums in there and my mood changes so frequently even I am starting to think that I have multiple personality disorder. My hair is growing at an alarming rate and Im getting fat without eating. How are you today?"

Twins...

Is it weird that twins both terrify me and excite me all at once? After going through all the meds and treatments that we have been through I find myself desperately praying for twins. Justin and I are both only children which makes our family very small. We will never be an aunt/uncle and our kids (if we are lucky enough to have any) will never have any aunts/uncles or cousins. I HATED being an only child and have always said that I would never do that to my kids. Justin really wants a son and I really want him to have one for all the hockey and other things he wants to share with a son. I really want a little girl... a girl whose hair I can put up in little bows and take to ballet and have "girl time" with. I dont what either of us to have to settle with less than we dream of.

At this point I would just be happy to have a baby, not matter what gender! I am worried that if we get pregnant that it may never happen again.... so I want twins. I want to know that I have 2 kids whether or not I can get pregnant again.

At the same time I how much more "high-risk" twin pregnancies and how harder it is to have more than one baby at a time to take care of but no matter how much I think of all the down sides I still desperately want twins..... a boy and a girl.

Am I crazy?

Hopeful Today

Today each time I thought about our IF journey I was hopeful, I dont have many days like that and so that made it a great day. I cant help but think about a friend of mine who got a BFN after her 1st IVF.... I just keep thinking how she must feel and wondering how my IUI could work when IVF didnt even work. Her BFN has hit me extra hard because we talk so much and really cheer each other on. She told me that she hopes this cycle is it for me, I cant help but think how hard it will be if I get my BFP to tell her and celebrate when I wanted her to have a BFP with me.

Justin seems to mention "baby" things more often and I think he has finally become impatient and ready for this to happen. He has always been on board but when we decided to TTC he was nervous and wasnt in a huge hurry.... he said he likes trying (hahaha). Well, I think he is over the trying and ready to have our baby here. He talks about how he wants to start coaching a highschool hockey team around here to get practice for coaching our SONs hockey team (he is convinced and PRAYING that we have a boy while I really want a little girl). I like hearing him talk like this.... makes me realize that even though he doesnt verbalize or share his frustrations at all that he is feeling some of what I am feeling.

I dont feel anything!

After my first IUI I had lots of cramps and pain for about 10 to 12 days.... I actually called the REs office to make sure that there wasnt something wrong! I had IUI #2 on friday 4/2/10 and I feel NOTHING.... is this a bad sign?! I cant help but worry that maybe something didnt go right because I havent felt anything since the day of IUI. Its probably my brain over-thinking everything (me.. NEVER) but I cant help but worry about it!

I am already starting to worry about my bloodwork that I have to go get on Friday. They are going to check my progesterone to see if I ovulated. Any value at 7dpIUI over 15 is supposed to show ovulation. IUI #1 at 7dpIUI my progesterone came back at 1.5. This was worse than my unmedicated progesterone.... I was extremely upset and extremely discouraged. All the money that we spent on the cycle was for nothing. If my RE didnt get me to ovulate this time I dont know if I will have any hope for any future IUIs. When I was in the office for my IUI I asked Dr W. what we would do if I didnt ovulate again this cycle. He said that we would probably move to a full injectible cycle with trigger and IUI.... this means shots almost every day... YIPEE! Just what everyone wants to do; give themself shots all the time. I guess at least I would feel like a totally new treatment approach may work.

I really shouldnt be thinking about next cycle but every cycle I get myself all excited thinking that "this is it for us!" and then I get horribly disappointed when I get my BFN. This cycle I am trying not to convince myself that I am pregnant and just be hopeful but assume Im probably not. Sounds depressing but it I am hoping that it will help in the end because I just get too upset with each BFN or low progesterone.

I am going for the blood test on friday and usually I get my results the next day but I dont know if they will call me a saturday to give them to me??? Saturday is my birthday for a good progesterone that shows ovulation would be the BEST gift but at the same time getting a bad one could really ruin the day. I hope they call on friday =(

My IF boards girls

I am SO thankful for the wonderful girls that I met on the IF board.... I think that they are the most supportive and strong women! I honestly dont know what I would do if I didnt have them to talk to.... they answer questions, provide support, and most of all listen (or read haha). Someone who has not experienced infertility may think that they understand how someone dealing with IF feels but I promise you..... they dont. The feeling is indescribable and knowing that there are people out there who are dealing with the same thing is so comforting. When I read a BFN post that one of my girls writes it is HEARTBREAKING, it almost feels like I got a BFN. The same goes for BFPs.... they feel like a victory even though it was MY BFP. I never knew that I would create such strong bonds with the girls on the board, but I am SO thankful that I did. If you girls are reading this I want you to know that you girls are the reason that I have the strength to go through this IF journey, and I love you all.

Today show segment!

I wanted to add a link to an infertility segment that was on the today show that I liked! This is someone whose blog I follow and it was really neat to see her on this segment! Kudos to her for being brave enough to do this! http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/36132909#36132909

Easter

We had a really nice Easter with our families today. We went to Justin's parents house and I cooked with my mother-in-law and then later in the day my parents came over to join us. While we were cooking Justin's dad made at least 5 comments about grandchildren (he always does) and then Justin's mom said to him "I dont mean to rush you but I am REALLY ready for some grandchildren." We have not shared anything about our IF with our parents so I cant blame them for comments but I just wanted to say "I wish I could give you some grandkids but it appears that may never happen." I just wish that that there was no such thing as INFERTILITY!!!!!!! My parents even talked about grandkids today, which they never do. If only they knew I think it would break all of their hearts because Justin and I are both only-children..... aka we are their only hope of grandkids. Their odds arent as good as they may think :(

Here goes nothing...

I wish I would have started this blog a long time ago because its hard to capture all that we have already been through. Justin and I never knew how hard it could be to start our family. Like most others we thought it was just a matter of throwing away the birth control and doing the deed. NOT THE CASE! We sought out help sooner than some IF couples do because I had been late/missing periods randomly over the previous 4 years and when it happened during one of our first couple months TTC my OBGYN thought that it might be good to look into the cause. Well it turns out that my progesterone is like NON-EXISTENT. We started small with 50mg of Clomid and month by month, cycle by cycle, we worked out way up to the 150mg we are using now because the smaller doses couldnt get me to ovulate.

I think the average person doesnt realize how hard it is to wait to conceive. It is a long road to get to the point of deciding that its the right time to start your family. Once you make this decision and the time is right you want to get the show on the road! One thing I am slowly starting to grasp is patience (not very well though). There arent really words to describe how painful IF is..... its like losing control of your own body and your ability to choose.

So here we are.... 1 year into our IF journey and still without many of the answers we so desperately want to know. I just underwent IUI 2 on friday so the 2 week wait is on. I have to get bloodwork on this friday to check my progesterone level to see if I ovulated and if I did only 5 more days till I can begin testing.... which any IF girl will tell you she does WAY too much.